Friday, May 31, 2013
Fed up of being messed about. for several years we have had someone to cut the grass as Rob does not get the time to do it with working full time and caring for me and Emily. The grass cutters have not been for a few weeks so got Rob to ring them. He said oh, we are not doing it any more, great something else to sort out and meanwhile the garden looks a mess. Its annoying that we have to pay out for things that other people get done easily themselves, but then when they let us down its even more so.
Not sure what PA has been doing today either, I left the ironing out and she seems to have ignored it, so now I have to make sure Emily has uniform ready for next week and iron some for her, why do I bother paying people, but I guess its my fault for not specifically asking for it to be done, but it is usually done on Thurs or Fri.
Its now the end of the school holidays and I feel like I have not seen much of Emily, just spend time getting her ready to do things with other people, no one helps me to do things with her, its very annoying. Don't think Emily minds much as she gets spoilt, but I am the one she gets nagged by and who does all the boring stuff. I also feel like all my energy is used up by daily routine and there is nothing left for fun or Emily
Don't know what to do now, would like a bath but feeling too dizzy and in house on my own, so not a good idea.
Oh well such is life, should not let it get me down, life is too short to be miserable and for regrets.
Can't believe it is June 1st tomorrow, I daren't look at the calender it is so hectic and not sure how I will manage, I know I will end up cancelling things and letting people down, just to be able to exist and its always the pleasurable stuff that has to go, not the daily grind. It's my birthday in 17 days, another year older and not much to celebrate. Its my wedding anniversary and Father's day the same day and we do have plans, just hope I can manage it. We make such a big thing of kids birthdays they are rather disappointing as you get older and no one even seems to notice.
Well my baby is back now so will go and see if I can get her to do something nice.
Its partly my own fault for pushing myself to do too much, but also I don't have a huge amount of choice if I want to keep Emily entertained in the holidays. Rumplestiltskin was good, but I could not hear it :( but as I know the story I kind of knew what was going on. Emily enjoyed despite fidgeting all the way through and asking when it was finishing 8|
Took Emily out for a walk last night with me on scooter and had hearing tested, way too much for me, plus added stresses which I don't really want to write about online.
Don't know what to do with myself now feeling so rubbish and really need to rest/sleep, but no chance.
Just found a lovely stitching cards site, will definitely be buying and stitching some of those. No craft done this week :(
Really fed up :((
Smilies not working today, don't have energy to find out why.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Hoping for an earlyish night to be as good as possible for tomorrow's adventure, but need to speak to Rob about the earlier anxieties which won't be easy and not beat thing to do before bed, but have to wait until Emily in bed. I go to bed only about an hour after her so its not easy to fit things in and get relaxing time with Rob.
Well better go and see who is winning on the Wii. Emily is a poor loser she got upset with me earlier when I won Ludo and forgot that she beat me at it several times yesterday. Have not heard any arguing so assume all is either in Emily's favour or evenly matched or she is in a more charitable mood!
The adrenaline is surging around my body so I cannot settle whilst Emily is not here and then when she comes back I will be tired and bad tempered :( its not fair to her or my husband who will also cop for it later ~X( I have things to do but cannot settle to anything, not even a book, although the one I am reading is a bit strange and confusing so maybe not the best thing to be reading, but I am hoping it gets better once I get into it. The reviews for it are good, albeit only 2 of them.
The only plus of being so angry is that I have very little pain at the moment, I did have a bad headache, but its easing now, but later I will be in agony and unable to sleep despite being exhausted. I can't have another sleeping tablets as had two in a week, not had any for ages before that, but don't have many left and Dr does not want to let me have any more. I need to be able to drive in the morning too as I am supposed to be taking Emily to see Rumplestiltskin, should be good, but hard work for me and I feel sick thinking about it, oh dear.
I wrote the first few lines of my book the other day, there's a long way to go, but it's a start and will hopefully be helpful too, it certainly can't hurt. I am doing it just for me and Emily, I may share it if its any good or seems particularly helpful, but it does not really make any difference what other people think. I showed it to my husband and he says change this change that, but I want tit to be in my words not someone else's, I am sure I will make changes as I go along as I am rarely satisfied with what I produce. Even with this blog if I reread it I end up making changes, sometimes its best just to press publish and leave it be.
Well I have rambled on and got no further so I had better sign off and try to focus on something else for a while and try to calm down before Emily gets home.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Its all quiet on the western front at the moment, but a week of Emily at home is scary! Rob is home for 2 days and I have help on the other days, but its still a daunting task.
Oh no my peace has gone Emily is here!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Yet again I am not able to sleep, my pain is bad and my brain on overtime. I have got a title for my book ME and MUMMY and ME and I think I have a first page too, but only in my head, and ideas one about hearing loss too, it's getting rather crowded in my little head.
Off in search of painkillers now.
Friday, May 24, 2013
examples. The pattern for this card came from Pinbroidery.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
My brain just won't switch off today, so many ideas running round, I don't know what to do with them all. I need to sleep to be ready for a busy few days, but my brain says no.
I did get card finished today, last minute so ever.
What should I do with all these thoughts, how do I put them in some sort of order, make use of them, get rid of rubbish. I need to declutter my mind.
Wonder if I will get to sleep at all? Please brain go to sleep.
Whatever is going on with the weather? Its so cold this morning, got a snow warning in the car, just 3c, is it really the end of May?
I am trying to drum up support for the school fair, its a big event and we really need for it to go well to give the school a much needed boost to morale. Emily's idea was accepted by the PTA so just waiting for letters to go out to tell the children about it, I hope they like the idea. It is an outdoor event though so the current weather is rather depressing, we have a month to go, so really hoping for an improvement by then.
Still feeling sick and dizzy today, think it will be another day mostly lying down and reading or finishing card.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
If only they knew what I would like to do, but don’t do because I am not able, not just because I don’t want to.
I’d love to be able to walk for miles, go swimming, have a night out, do my own shopping, go to work, drive my car or clean my house. None of theses things are special they are every day things to most people, but for me they take a lot of effort and cannot be managed every day. People do not seem to be able to accept that I am ill and not able to do the every day things they can do.
If I try to lead a ‘normal’ life, eg. walking, shopping, cleaning, I suffer with fatigue, pain, dizziness, headaches, sore throat and many other symptoms too numerous to list. I need regular rest and to go to bed early, this is not being lazy it is how I survive.
I am not a lazy person, before I was ill, I never sat still!! I would like nothing more than to be able to keep busy all day long, it is so boring not being able to do things and is very frustrating. I watch the dust piling up and the ironing that needs doing. I hope for a good day to get things done, but know if I do them I will feel really ill again afterwards. People do not realise when they see my un-cleaned house or pots waiting to be washed, that I do not leave them because I’d rather be doing something else; I have to leave it because I do not have the energy tackle it.
When I tell people I do not work, they assume it is my choice, and that I want to sit about at home all and they envy me. If only they knew how desperate I am to work, to earn some money, make some friends and feel I can do something.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Feeling sick and dizzy and generally yuck :-& , hope I feel better than this later.
Saw this last night, fancy having a go, but will be rather messy. Need a trip to Leeds Play Resource Centre for empty film canisters :D
Off to cut more snakes.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
When we got back Emily went outside to play with the children next door, she refused to come in for lunch. After not seeing her all afternoon because they were playing she then threw a tantrum at tea time and refused to come in and then went absolutely crazy >:) when we said it was bath time, took nearly an hour to calm her down and get her inside, not much fun and a complete change from this morning.
Went to meet next doors new baby granddaughter, she is only 3 days old, you forget how tiny and cute they are. The mum of the baby has ME too, so it brings it all back and I would do it again despite all the difficulties, babies are so special and each one a miracle. Its hard seeing new babies though and accepting that I can't have any more children. Everywhere I go there are babies or pregnant women, or at least that's how it seems.
Was thinking about respite last night, I usually go to Fountains Court in Scarborough once a year for a break, but its hard to fit it in and justify it and its not really fair to Rob as he does not get a chance to do the same and its not really fair on Emily either, she accepted it when she was younger, but I don't think she would now and her behaviour would be awful on my return, so its probably not worth it, would be nice though in a perfect world.
Well better go now Emily is settled in bed and it won't be long until I am in bed too (:|
Well thats what happens after a busy week and having hair cut always makes things worse, weird our what? Need to slow down, school holidays again soon, but easier said than done and even day to day stuff is exhausting.
Finished stitching numbers on card but thats less than halfway. Emily told me I need to get on with it so it is ready by friday, but then if I pick it up she wants something, not very helpful.
Keep trying to get Emily making more stuff for summer fair, she is losing interest after getting me to sort it out, hope we get some other interest or I'm going to look rather stupid.
Had a nice lunch at Granary in Tadcaster they had gluten free bread :) :) Emily was very good and for a change we had a nice time.
Loving the smileys after finding very simple instructions, the first site I found the instructions were too complicated. Need to find a list of how to type all the smiley faces now here it is I can have fun now :D ;)
hehe, does not take much to amuse me!! They don't all work, but still cool.
Friday, May 17, 2013
I did have to leave before the end of the session though as I felt too sick and dizzy and in pain to continue, but I completed my drunkards path
Thursday, May 16, 2013
The decorating is nearly finished, so hopefully we can get back to normal over the weekend, whatever normal might be.
My other craft table has arrived, its in two boxes, I hope that is right, will be a few days before I can get it out and have a look. Used the other table for first time yesterday, its very sturdy, but heavy and difficult to lock legs in place, also I thought it had castors on to make it easier to move around, but it doesn't so won't be as helpful as I hoped, unless I can get some wheels. I have just emailed the company to see if it possible to attach wheels to the one I have.
Nearly school pick up time yet again its threatening rain so can't use my scooter, need a way of getting rid of some of Emily's energy, might take her down to pet shop to see kittens if she is good and does not get me to buy one.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Pain killers starting to kick in now, but still feel sick and dizzy, but going to try and finish the pricking of numbers before I have to fetch Emily, so at least I can say I have achieved something today.
Just got an email saying my other craft table has been dispatched :-) hope decorator gets finished tomorrow so that I can use it when it arrives, something to look forward to.
I am going to leave this for now before it turns into a rant and I say things I regret.
I have started pricking the card though, got to do something with my aggression!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Talking of cute, went it the pet shop this morning for some stuff for fish and just inside the door there is a cabinet with two beautiful tabby kittens with little white feet. They just reminded me of a cat we had when I was younger, we called her Sox
This is my current cat Timmy he is 14 and is at the vets today being groomed as his long fur has got matted with him moulting, poor old puss he will not be my friend tonight!
Here is our hamster Nibbles too
Emily decided the other night that she would like to make things to raise money for her school and poor children. As the school Summer fair is coming up I suggested to the PTA that the children could all be asked to make things to sell or their own stall. The PTA has said yes, Emily is very excited, I am worried about getting too involved and letting people down. It is quite a surprise that Emily has asked to make things, she usually shows no interest (think we made too many things when she was younger!).
I think she was inspired by Sunday school who were talking about Christian Aid and selling things to raise money, just hope she keeps it up and we get some things to sell.
My mind is working over time, we could do this that and the other, but need to keep it in check.
Got the card posted yesterday, now got to start the 70, 10 days to do it in, watch this space!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Emily had a huge tantrum tonight, I was already exhausted and am now in a lot of pain too and she is still hyper, its going to be a long hour until bedtime. Oh dear I think I hear another tantrum kicking off I had better go and see what is happening, no chance of a quiet sit down today.
Emily says she is ok for school today, but I worry about sending her back too early. I have an appt I need to go to so need her to go its all very frustrating. Rob said he could change things at work if need be, but has gone off to work before Emily is ready so things could still go pear shaped.
We are in the process of sorting out the little bedroom to be decorated, it was the first room we did when we moved in over 13 years ago. The wallpaper is plasticky and is a nightmare to get off, we have someone coming to put new paper on, but we have to get the old off and have had to clear the room. The bed was taken away yesterday, but a new one is coming on Friday and decorator supposed to be here next week, but he is hard to pin down. Took skirting off so need to put new on before decorator and just discovered huge gaps around window which need filling and still got cupboards and shelves to take off wall. The whole house in in chaos as Barbara (PA) is off sick and I have no idea how long she will be off, so I am trying to keep on top of washing, tidying etc. Rob booked yesterday off as they were coming for the bed and he intended to get room sorted, but ended up most of the day on the phone as we had a huge list of people we needed to contact and then he had to sit with Emily whilst I had a rest, so things are not really going to plan at the moment.
We have also got involved with things for the school PTA and plans for the school fair on June 22nd. It seems to far away for me, but of course they have to plan, I have lots of ideas but not the energy to help which is what they need.
We have booked a weekend in Blackpool for my birthday/anniversary, just over a month to go, feel like I need all that month in bed to be able to face it. Card stitching going very slowly, need to finish by weekend, agggghhhhhh and then start the next one. Whenever I do something with a deadline things go wrong and I think I have given myself plenty of time, but then its always a last minute rush.
Friday, May 03, 2013
Was asked to run a craft stall at school summer fair, but had to say no, I know it would be too much and I have nothing made. I want to make some stuff, but don't know what to make, I am interested in so many things, but don't excel at anything and certainly don't get things done fast.
Nice to have some warmer weather and sun, but resting during the day is harder as I feel I am missing out, its easier to snuggle up and rest when it grey and cold outside.
Emily is getting better she is doing a sponsored climbing wall at school today. I don't think the kids realised till this morning how high the wall was. Well its more like a stack, I did not have my phone with me so could not get a picture will have to hope its still there later. Would liked to have gone to watch, but did not get given the chance. Picture of climbing wall.
Did a bit more of the stitched card yesterday it now has a number 3 and half a 0 stitched, quite a bit more to do. Not sure if it is showing up enough on the black card though so might not be able to use it in the end :-( and won't have time to do another.
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Emily decided despite being unwell she wanted to go to school this afternoon. I tried to persuade her to stay home and get a bit better but she was having none of it and went and put her uniform on. Very proud of her though quite worried too, I am sure she will probably collapse in a heap when she gets home.
It means I will get to rest this afternoon which is unexpected, but also a relief as my pain is bad and energy low. Not sure how settled I will get though as half expecting school to ring and ask me to fetch her.
Tea time club was quieter last night, and the craft activity went well, thanks to Donna's great idea for a little blow football game which I had not been able to think of and it was great to have something the boys could get into, craft always seems to be a lot more girly and the boys get bored. It was easier to help them and give them attention last night and being quieter some of the other helpers were on hand so it was a much calmer evening, don't think I would have survived a busier one.
So yet again the card will have to wait, will be pushing it to get it done in time, but I need to be on my own to concentrate on it. might get a bit of Shaun knitted whilst Emily watching TV.
Worried about the appt I have tomorrow, the person I have to see is already being awkward and says I am not committed to the appt, because I had to change the appts due to school holidays, this meant that I did not get my proper asseessment appt and have lost some of my entitlement to further appts, but I was not told this when I changed appts. if I have to cancel tomorrow I might as well give up and then I get a black mark for not trying! Not sure who is being awkward really, I was offered an appt at 8.55 I have to drop Emily at school at 8.50 so said I could not get there until just after 9, so was told I will just have to have a shorter appt if I can't get there for the right time. I really get the feeling that she is being awkward not me, I often find this as people have preconceived ideas about ME/CFS and just brand us as lazy and not wanting to help ourselves. I have waited 10 years for the appt so am very cross with her attitude, but don't actually expect it to be much help if that is her attitude.
Oh dear rant over better go and sit with Emily she keeps shouting me and its not fair to ask her to keep waiting.