Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Positives Week 2 day 1

Here goes week 2 of looking for positives, so for yesterday I have, having physio and getting some relief from my pain, getting to 5 ways (this will always be a big achievement for me) and Emily being enthusiastic about her homework.

The next task was connecting with people.  I am not very good at this as I am quite isolated and find talking to people difficult.  So I am going to tie it in with Thinking of you Week

I am of course a week late, but better late than never!  And thank you to Claire at Our Handmade Collective for mailing the cards to me.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Be active, lol!

At the 5 ways session today we started to talk about being active and how that improves well being.  I felt rather awkward and there is no point in saying I can't be active, no one understands.  If I am too active it makes me more ill and results in pain and fatigue that most people would feel after running a marathon.   For me every day life is too active and I need at least 2 hours of rest each day and to be in bed by 9.30 to have any chance of feeling ok and that rarely happens.  I have had a busy weekend visiting family and helping to sort stuff from my Grandma's house, which was physically and emotionally difficult.

Today I dropped Emily at school.  I have issues even with getting Emily too and from school as driving is difficult and then I can't get parked close enough to school as I can't walk far so have to arrange for someone to open the gate to the car park so I can park and just walk Emily to classroom and back to the car and that's enough of a walk for me.  Last year when her classroom was round the back of the school I could not walk round and had to take her in through the main entrance, which of course made her stand out as being different, the last thing I want to do.  It's so embarrassing having to ask for special treatment I just want to blend in and do the same as everyone else.  I hate driving and used to walk everywhere, I would love to be able to walk.  I do have a mobility scooter but can't use it if it is wet or cold and at the moment I have a problem with the battery so haven't been using it for fear of breaking down!

After school drop off I had a physio appointment, much needed as I have been in a lot of pain.  On arrival all the disabled spaces were taken so I had to park further over and walk, not much to most people but it all adds up for me.  I am not sure how the disabled spaces get used up so fast as it is at a local sports centre and the majority of people are there to use the swimming pool and gym, I should be so lucky!  Next I have to stand in a queue at reception to get a key for the lift as I can't walk up the stairs to the physio room, its embarrassing, but at least they have a lift.

As it is Monday I then had to get to 5 ways, there is no parking close to building so again a short walk that I could have done without.  The session is hard work, concentrating and listening and trying to join in and I kept thinking I had had enough and needed to leave, but stuck it out.  Then it was back home to eat and rest before school pick up.

Since then I have done some tidying up as no one else will do it, still Emily's room to do, but can't face that.  As Emily has gone to gymnastics and Rob has taken her I have to have tea ready for when they come in.  I can't stand and prepare food so have to get things chopped up and it has to be something I can cook easily, but its still a huge effort.

I am really exhausted and running on empty, for me the day has been too active and I will pay the consequences.  I am constantly paying the consequences as a basic everyday life is too much.  I need to cut my activity that includes physical and mental activity to enable me to feel well, but its impossible.  So when I get told I also need to exercise to feel better it does rather annoy me.  Its not that I am lazy and don't want to exercise, I like walking and swimming, but I can't do them any more.  Getting out of bed and getting downstairs can often feel like a days work.

Last night Emily wanted me to chase her around, I said I couldn't, she said you can walk not run, but I even had to say no to that, its really upsetting and she can't understand that because I do move about and do things that it is difficult.  Twice last week I was in bed before Emily and have a feeling tonight maybe the same.

There are some who would think that if I did more I would be better, believe me that is not the case, I already push my limits and endanger my health.  I have had times when I am so worn out I can't stop shaking, or can't walk another step and when I was pregnant I was paralysed for about 12 hours as my body had just had enough and I was in hospital for a week.  I don't learn from this myself though and run the risk of these things everyday trying to be as normal as possible.

We also discussed the positives and most people felt it was beneficial to look for positives.  My ones for the Saturday were getting some things sorted out, sitting watching plane trails in the perfect blue sky and my Mum putting Emily to bed.  On Sunday I managed getting home and going to bed!

We have to carry on the list of positives for the next few weeks and either make steps towards connecting with people or being more active.  I will be trying the connecting with people.  I feel like making the active one steps towards being less active, but not sure it would help much as I just feel like I am unable to do things.

Well time for a short break before microwaving the tea!!

Friday, September 26, 2014

Positives Day 4 and 5

My positives for yesterday and today.

Firstly last night was very impressed with Emily asking to do her homework and sticking with it, despite the fact it was difficult and took both of us an hour to get through it.  Although it was very hard work for me to stick at it too, was an achievement and a chance to do something with Emily.

Emily was also calmer yesterday.

For myself I found a pattern that I can use on my knitting to replace the one I just can't get right. Today Rob helped me to incorporate it into the pattern.

Today's are Rob had the day off work and we got a few things talked about.  We went out to lunch. We both attended the school harvest service, which was good fun and the children had worked hard towards it.  I also now understand all the songs Emily has been singing around the house this week!  We donated some food which is going to the local food bank.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Positives shining through

When clearing out my Mama's house we found a great example of staying positive and carrying on even in the face of adversity.

Mama was in the Civil Defence in Sheffield during WWII and she wrote a piece about going to meet injured service men and transporting them to hospital.  None of us had seen the piece of writing before although we had heard many stories about her driving ambulances, she never expressed her true feelings about it.

Some may not be able to read this very well so I have transcribed it:

"The hands of the clock stood at 3am, an air of hushed expectancy hung over the silent, darkened platforms, faint light came from shaded lamps, and above, the stars glowed with a light never noticed in the city in a time of peace.  For this was wartime and blackout, and I, with many other Civil defence workers was awaiting the hospital train which would bring wounded Service Men to Sheffield.

Outside the station, a long line of ambulances stood ready to receive their load of weary men, who had travelled from a distant port.  We spoke to one another in hushed voices, or were silent altogether.  I thought about the men who were coming nearer and nearer.  Would I by chance know any of them, and would I perhaps find my husband or my brother among the many wounded who were to be sent to the various hospitals in the city.  I pushed such thoughts from my mind, and mentally checked my ambulance equipment.

In the distance, the sound of an approaching train, brought us all to our posts on the platform, ready to receive walking and stretcher cases.  I hardly knew what to expect, but had I had the time, I think I would have wept at the sight of such bravery and fortitude.  Badly wounded or only slightly, the men had a joke and a smile for us.  So many accents and dialects, but all of them glad to be cared for.
The work of getting them to the hospital went forward in the ordinary way which we had been trained, and sometime later when the ambulances had all returned to their various depots, I walked home in the dawn.  The sky was paling, and the stars were less bright.

And so I had done my first ‘convoy duty’, the first of several more, but none of them so memorable as this.  For I realised that in the midst of pain and suffering, a kind word and a smile (and a silent prayer) help to make a seemingly sad situation somewhat brighter."

I showed this to my friend Pat who said that ties in with our topic at church about light and bringing light into dark situations.  We went on Sunday to listen to her take on it, she said there were six mentions of light 3 literal and 3 about shining through, (or at least I think that's what she said, sorry Pat if I have that wrong!)

Listening to Pat also reminded me of the Eulogy that we had for Mama's funeral, this was mainly written by my Mum and read out by my Uncle, still can't look at it without crying, which given that there is a man outside the window cutting the grass makes me look rather stupid!

"How do you condense a life spanning 10 decades into a few words?  Mum’s life was a living history.

Mum was born in January 1920, the youngest of 6 children, to Jane and David Ward.   Her father died when she was two which made life very difficult for the family.  She saw many changes, some for the better and others not.  Life was very tough for her growing up in the 1920s and 30s.  Mum had a very stressful childhood; she often talked about spending lots of time on her own as her siblings were older and her Mother had to go out to work. In later life she never minded being on her own and lived by herself for 9 years.   Visitors were always welcomed with a smile, tea and biscuits.  She also enjoyed chatting on the phone to family and friends.

Mum loved school and learning.  She was very bright and this reflected all through her life.  It became a family joke that if any of us needed to know anything it was ask Mum and to her grandchildren, ask Mama she will know and she usually did. She left school at the age of 14 and went to work in a basket making factory.

Mum and Dad met in their late teens.  They married in 1939, and had 65 happy years together.  The only time they ever fell out was when they were hanging wallpaper. During the war Dad was conscripted into the Royal Navy and served for 6 years.  Mum was left at home with her Mother and Christine.   In March 1942, Mum heard on the radio that Dad’s ship had been sunk. She did not know for at least 2 weeks if he had survived; but life went on.   Dad came home on leave for the first time in 3 years in 1944.  Mum contributed to the war effort by joining the Civil Defence.  She drove the ambulances to meet the hospital trains and escorted the wounded servicemen to Lodge Moor.  It was very harrowing job but she knew she had to offer some comfort and support to those poor men.  Mum was a very caring person who always put other people’s need before her own, and she worried about everybody.  But her stoicism and fortitude always shone through in any adversity.  Here is a quotation from a note we have found diarising her first assignment to the station “For I realised that in the midst of pain and suffering a kind word and a smile (and a silent prayer) help to make a seemingly sad situation somewhat brighter”.  In her own words Mum summed up her own caring personality and strengths.

Chris and I had a happy family life with lots of fun and laughter. Mum was our rock and supported us through the ups and downs in our lives.  One of my earliest memories is being taken to school and not wanting to be left there without her.  We fondly remember our summer holidays particularly the ones to Bridlington.  We spent many happy hours watching the fishing fleet and pleasure boats going in and out of the harbour, and crossing the harbour on the ferryboat.  The fare was two old pennies.

In the 1950's Mum went out to work.  Our Grandma Jane lived with us so she was always there when we got home from school.  Mum always talked fondly of working in the local Post Office, a job she loved.  In that role she always helped the customers fill in their pension books and any other official forms and she welcomed everyone with a smile.

Mum worshipped at St Silas Church until its closure in 2000.  She was baptised and married there.  She served on the Parochial Church Council as Secretary and was a Governor at the Church School. 
Mum loved babies she was delighted when her 3 grandchildren, Jane, Simon and Philip were born.  She loved to knit things for them and babysat whenever she was needed.  She was even more delighted when her 2 great grandchildren Benjamin and Emily were born.  She said to me the day before she died that it had been a pleasure watching those little ones growing up.

Mum nursed Dad through ill-health and after he died in 2005 her own health began to suffer, again she showed her strength and lived by herself with very little help despite having hip, knee and shoulder replacements.  Mum found it difficult to come to terms with her failing eyesight and poor mobility.  She was then unable to keep herself occupied and for the first time in her life confessed to being bored.  Her passion was knitting and she knitted some amazing things.  Mum would knit anything and everything for anybody, including little jumpers for the under privileged children in Africa.  Dad used to say she was knitting shirts for Fred. Reading and housework were other passions she enjoyed.

Mum had a tough life but also a loving fulfilled life. All of you will have your own memories to cherish and we have memories in abundance.

We will all miss her strength of character.   We have been told many times over the last few weeks she was a lovely lady who was loved and respected by all who knew her.

We thank God for giving us such an amazing well respected loved lady who was a Daughter, Wife, Mum, Mum-in-law, Mama, Great Mama ,Sister and Auntie.  She will leave an enormous gap in our lives."

What more can I say, if ever there was an inspiration to see positives and get through tough situations it is right here.

Bless you Mama, miss you loads.

Emily asked me this morning what was important about the war, their topic this term is WWII.  I wasn't able to answer her question, there are so many things both good and bad I suppose.  I think one thing is how everyone pulled together and supported each other, men laid their lives on the line, people carried on through very difficult times and did not complain, it is difficult to imagine those things happening now.  The war also shaped the way we live now and still has a big impact in ways that I cannot begin to understand let alone explain to a 7 year old.  

Positives Day 3 with frustrations!

Well I am trying my best with the positives and despite a frustrating day yesterday I did manage 3.  Emily doing her reading without a fuss and enjoying it, getting the loft ladders fixed, having a peaceful time doing a jigsaw with Rob and Emily. its always very tempting to put a but .... after each one, but I will try to refrain.

Now frustrations!  Further issues at school which we are not sure how to deal with.  Not understanding the Elsa pattern instructions on how to sew up, totally confused and will have to get some help.  I have already been confused by the pattern being American and some of the terms being different eg kfb = knit in front and back and BO= cast off.  Then I thought well I can do some of the sewing up and stuffing, wrong I have no stuffing or at least none that I can find.  How is it possible to have so much stuff stashed away and not have the thing you want?!  Shower broken down and need to get plumber in, but can't get hold of plumber.  Totally forgetting to bake or buy cakes for Macmillan coffee event at school today.

As all the things I try to do seem to be meeting with a problem today I shall now go and sew Emily's name in some school tights, now where did I put my needle and thread?!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Positives Day 2

Yesterday was a tough day, but among the many negatives my positives were; getting my blog post written, Emily and her friend playing nicely, being able to go to bed at 6.30pm.

They probably seem strange to some people, but sometimes its the little things that count.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Think positive

As part of the 5 ways course we have to note down 3 positives each day, things that make us feel good or that we appreciate.  Yesterday I chose getting to the course, a big achievement for me, Emily getting herself ready without messing about, a big achievement for her and that the sun was shining.  It's harder today as I feel really awful and several things have gone wrong, but it does help to try and find some good in each day even if its only a little thing.

Are you listening?

I am having a bad day today feeling very sick and dizzy after attending the first session of 5 ways to wellbeing yesterday.  Then a hectic morning cleaning up after the cat, trying to get Emily to get ready and taking her to school and then having to go to shop to buy milk!!  Yep I am exhausted after that.  I will have to write this in bits, but of course no one will know as its all published together when finished, but I wanted to make a bit of a start whilst things are fresh in my mind otherwise I won't rest either because it will be still going round and round.  I do apologise in advance if any of this sounds confusing, my brain is not on top form, the ME term is brainfog , defined as

  • Poor short term memory
  • Difficulty learning new things
  • Poor mental stamina and concentration – there may be difficulty reading a book or following a film story or following a line of argument
  • Difficulty finding the right word
  • Thinking one word, but saying another
By Dr Myhill an ME specialist, this link also gives more details.

Anyway back on track.  I was nervous as ever about going to a group session I find it very difficult in groups and my ME and hearing loss make it very hard work to concentrate, hear and take it all in.  Our first session was about connecting with people and effective listening.  I know that I actually avoid people because I can't hear very well, which makes me look ignorant and like I don't care, which is far from the truth I do care and do want to listen, but find it so hard and don't want to look stupid by not hearing or miss hearing.  I can usually manage face to face in a quiet environment, but if there are other noises I really struggle.  I could hear the course leader ok, but when people started making comments or talking more than one at a time I missed a lot of what was going on, especially the jokes and banter.  We did quite a bit of work in pairs or threes and that was very hard as other people are talking all the time so its difficult to hear clearly the person I am listening to, made more of an issue as we were supposed to be demonstrating effective listening!!

Before talking about the listening, we talked in general about well being and what made us feel good.  This is where I struggle as the things that 'normal' people do are not always possible for me, like going for a walk, going shopping, going swimming, so I have to go with what is within my limitations, so this means that the effect on my well being is not as great as it feels like a compromise.  The basic definition used for well being was, feeling good and functioning well.  So for me achieving well being seems pretty impossible as I don't feel good and I don't function well.  so for me its reduced to feeling as good as possible and functioning within my limitations.

Are you still listening?  Its now several rests later!!  

I get very frustrated at people who don't listen and feel that not many people do actually listen, it makes me feel insignificant and that people don't care.  If Rob tells Emily off for not listening, I say she is just copying what everyone else does.  It feel like I am invisible a lot of the time.  Emily is only 7 and children are like that, but in adults I think it is bad manners.  I will often stop what I am saying as I know the person is not listening, don't think anyone has ever asked why I stopped.  So I just feel oh sorry am I boring you?  Rob thinks it is acceptable to sit and 'listen' whilst playing a game on his mobile phone and does not seem to realise the messages that gives to me and to Emily and is another example of do as I say, not as I do.

I find listening very difficult it takes a lot of effort to hear and concentrate with being hard of hearing and also with the ME.  I always get worried about going anywhere as I won't be able to hear or that I will miss things and look stupid or rude and I often sit on the sidelines which still makes me look stupid and rude.  If I am with Rob I can get him to explain things I have missed or let me know someone is talking to me, but its still hard.  The man who comes to do our garden refuses to speak to me because he realised I was deaf and insists that Rob rings him to sort things out.  I am deaf not stupid!

On the course we talked about listening and effective listening and it made some of us realise that we don't properly listen to our children.  I know that I am bad for it, If I am doing something I don't always stop what I am doing to fully listen, yet I expect her to.  Emily shouts from another room if she wants something and I get cross because she expects me to go to her and see what she wants, but I also shout from another room or upstairs, mainly to try and save a bit of energy, but it doesn't set a good example does it.  Or how many times do we ask them to be quiet as we are doing something we need to concentrate on, or are talking to someone else, but we will expect them to listen when we interrupt their TV programme or a conversation with a friend.  We all have a lot to learn I think.  I will certainly be trying to listen better and show that I am listening.

I do get upset with people who won't make allowances though, I can't use a telephone, but have email and text, so why do people insist on ringing or get upset if I email or text rather than ringing, I find it rather insulting, especially as the people in question do use emails and texts with other people, again it makes me feel insignificant and not heard.

It's time for school pick up now, I will try my best to listen to what has happened today.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Charity Sale

When we were clearing out my Mama's house there were lots of books in excellent condition, so I decided it would be nice to hold a book sale for her chosen charities, NSPCC and RNLI.  We have added books of our own so there is something for everyone.  The sale is taking place tomorrow evening and Saturday morning at Rothwell Baptist church.  We are very lucky that the church has let us have the room for no charge and that they are providing tea and coffee and any proceeds from the sale of tea and coffee, so kind of them.  On Friday the sale is running alongside Cafe Friday and Friday club which this week are celebrating harvest with family activities and food for all.  On Saturday there will be refreshments including home made cake from Cakes for Breaks, gluten free goodies, coffee and assorted teas.

The sales also includes some Cds, DVDs and magazine for all ages.

I won't be at the sale or activities tomorrow as I have my quilting class tomorrow and also have Emily at home today as she is unwell.  I was hoping she would settle down and sleep, but she is making lots of demands and wearing me out on a day I was hoping to prepare the last of the stuff for the sale and get plenty of rest for the class and the sale and the other activities we have on over the weekend. The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, Gang aft a-gley, [often go awry] to quote Robert Burns!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Evacuee for a day

Yesterday Emily was evacuated for the day to Lotherton Hall near Leeds.  It sounds like they had a great day, combining learning about WWII and Chronicles of Narnia the story of four children evacuated to Scotland.

Emily was given a name tag with the name Mary Carr, though I am sure there would have been Emily's around then.  Emily shares her christian name with her great, great grandma who was born at the turn of the century and died before WWII broke out.

Emily has been asking lots of questions and we have managed to get her some pictures of my grandparents and pictures of Papa's medals from the navy and some stuff from my Mama's time in the civil defence.  It is sad there are not many now with any memory of the war.  Just a few months ago my Mama would have spent hours talking to Emily, she had a wonderful memory and enjoyed telling people about how life was for them.  That link has gone for us now.

Papa in his navy uniform

Mama in her Civil Defence uniform

Been a long night

After this I got no sleep at all, asked Rob to get Emily sorted, but still ended up getting up anyway fed up of lying in bed  and cat was fussing about telling me I should be up.  Came downstairs to find Emily not well, full of cold, didn't know if she would go to school.  Thankfully she said she would go, what a cruel Mum I am, hope she is ok.  It's school photos today so she wanted her hair doing, not easy with no sleep and poor concentration.

Currently still in a lot of pain, feeling very sick and dizzy, sitting by the open door to get some fresh air and try to clear my head, but its not working.  Barbara late and did not let me know, she is not well either so now I feel even more guilty.

I can't sit here any longer, really need my bed, but I can't keep going to bed, aggghhhh.

Please don't judge me


Monday, September 15, 2014

Bad day

Been a bad day today, not totally unexpected as a hectic weekend with family, which included a visit to Garden of Rememberance to see my Papa (grandad) it would have been his 95th birthday today and my cousin who died 3 years ago see post http://poohbear71.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/painful-day.html, a family meal at Rajdhanirestaurant, seeing a family members new house, baby sitting and talking, not to mention travelling there and back!!  So this morning I was in tears as it was all too much and I couldn't cope.  I have spent most of the day in bed, except for struggling with a bath which was a big mistake and doing an internet shopping order not good use of my energy, but at least its sitting down.  Rob had to come home early to collect Emily and cook her tea before her gymnastics class, then they had to rush off because I got the times wrong!  They should be back soon.

Looks like there is a problem with my new washing machine as we can't open the door, luckily the washing in it is clean and dry as I have no idea when I might get it out!!

As usual when I am feeling so unwell I get very upset and feel so useless.  I had to miss first day of a curse I was supposed to start today Five ways to wellbeing, I was really upset as it makes me look so bad and I have also changed things around so that I can attend, including having to get rid of my carer who has been with me for 6 1/2 years.  I should have known better than to even think of attending something on a Monday.  My carer used to come to me everyday so we got to know each other quite well and have been through a lots of things together.  More recently she only came once a week as I had to get something that was more flexible to meet my needs.  I will miss her a lot.  The chances of me getting there next Monday are also slim as I have another busy weekend coming up, with a charity book sale, harvest events and quilting class.  I was also due to start a free online course at the end of September which I pulled out of so I could go to fiveways, so I am not a happy bunny!

Just been looking at this event Yarndale, I would love to go, but its unlikely as Emily would not want to go and we will probably be with family that weekend. I get so upset that I am not able to do things for myself, but that's life I suppose.  I love this sheep, he was in our local library for a while

I have been getting very upset recently as I just don't have the time and energy for making things and really don't know where the time goes.  I was making an anniversary card for my parents, but didn't finish it.  I am trying to make the Elsa doll for Emily and there are several other ideas I want to try and I have to do a small part of my quilt before Friday, but with appointments and everyday life I don't see much chance.

Emily is back now she will be full of what she has learnt so I had better go and listen.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Painful day

Its been an awful pain filled day today.  My pain has been worse recently and today it has been unbelievable and at times I have not known what to do with myself, unable to settle or get comfy for anything.  I think it has been caused by some of the physical things I have been doing like sorting things out in Emily's bedroom, holding Emily to calm her down and repeated trips up the stairs to take Emily back to bed, plus it the end of the school holidays and it always hits me when I do slow down a bit, not that life has really slowed down I just get a quiet bit during the day.  Today everything seems to hurt especially my lower back, neck and legs.  I have been popping the painkillers but sometimes I think they make it worse so not taken any for a bit, will dose up at bedtime instead at least then I have a small chance of sleeping.

I find that emotional stuff makes my pain worse too.  Today is the 3rd anniversary of my cousin's death, he died just 37 in an accident.  I feel for his family and fiancĂ©e and on days like this they are in my thoughts more.

My cousin with Emily at her 3rd birthday.

with Emily at her naming ceremony

My good friend Pat read my blog last week and realised I needed someone to talk to and kindly listened to me today and helped me to see this from a different perspective and gave me other things to think about, she is a very calm lady and very perceptive so is always helpful and I am very grateful for her listening and thoughts.

Emily is outside with Rob as Rob has bought a bike to go cycling with her, they don't seem to be doing much cycling though, I think Emily thinks she needs to teach him to ride it!

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Pet Therapy?

They say that pets are supposed to be therapeutic and relieve stress?  I am not sure about that.  Was woken up by my cat at about 6am, he wanted affection, he is not a very affectionate cat except at silly times!  When I got up I found that he had been sick, perhaps that's what he was trying to tell me and of course no one else had noticed so it was me who cleaned up.

Later on he did snuggle up with me, but was trying to chew the card I was sewing and then turned his paw to knitting!

I should not really complain about him, he is very good with Emily who teases him and drives him nuts, but he never lashes out at her, anyone else would know they had upset him. My next cat related job is the litter tray, yuck! Again I should not complain it is only in the last few weeks we have given him a litter tray he has been happy to use garden for the last 14 years, but I think he gets caught a bit short now so is happier with the litter tray.  We got him when he was 9 months old so he was house trained by then.

The pet that is supposed to belong to Emily is the hamster, she does not have much interest in it, well they are a strange pet for children really, being nocturnal.  If she is lucky she sees it before she goes to bed and when she gets up.  But more often than not she doesn't see it, I think the hamster is wise to her routine as he gets up just after she has gone to bed and goes to bed just before she gets up, but we are seeing less of him now as he is 2 years old so getting on for a hamster.  Today was hamster cleaning day, its actually less traumatic for the hamster to do it when Emily is not around as she does not understand the meaning of quiet and scares him and does not have a clue about being gentle and that he is small and fragile.

It feels a bit like an old folks home for pets with Timmy being 15 and we have a fish that is over 4 years old.  Ah well at least I feel at home with the oldies!

My final job was taking weed out of fish tank, why does no one else do these things.  Guess what the fish aren't mine either they are supposed to belong to Rob, they would be living in a swap if it were left to him!  

well I have done my Dr Doolittle bit now, time to rest before peace is shattered by after school madness.

Word Play

I have not been up to writing a lot, but have been playing with some words and what they mean to me.

The first is Frustrations

Stamina (lack of)
Independence (lack of )
Normality (lack of)
Stereotypes (negative)

Next is Symptoms

Sinus pain
Yeast infection
Muscle pain
Poor concentration
Over tired
Muscle pain






Less able

Friday, September 05, 2014


Aggghh, my anxiety levels are going mad, I am so tired and in pain too.  Now Emily is back at school I am in the house alone much of the day and my mind works over time and drives me mad with issues that bother me and other than my blog I have no outlet for them.  I don't know if it is good use of my time and energy to write them for my blog, but it not good keeping them in my head either.  Due to Emily not wanting to go to bed at the moment I have no time to speak to Rob as by the time Emily finally settles I need to be in bed too and he can't take time off work just to talk to me.  He doesn't want to spend any time we do have together listening to me moaning either agghhh!

Talking of anxiety Emily's bed issues seem to be an anxiety thing too she usually refuses to go to bed and comes downstairs every few minutes.  She has always been so good with bed but the last few months have been terrible.  Last night I was in bed at the same time as her and she never moved.  I think it stems back to when my grandma got taken to hospital, my mum was putting Emily to bed and the phone rang and she answered it and it was carers telling her my grandma was ill and had been rushed to hospital.  After the phone call my mum abandoned Emily and flew down stairs in tears and then it was a mad panic getting my Mum to the hospital and I was left with a distressed Emily and my Dad who also does not react well to shocks and I basically had to get them both settled.  I kept in touch with my Mum and Rob by text and things seemed to be going ok and we all settled down eventually.  That was a Saturday night and then on the Monday morning we got a call saying she had deteriorated and was not going to live much longer, which was rather a shock as the day before they said that they were sending her home.  I rushed off to see her leaving Emily to be picked up from school by a friend.  We got the phone call saying my grandma had died just after we got back from visiting her and not long before bedtime.

I just keep feeling that I am getting everything wrong and that I am not good enough and a disappointment to everyone.

The thing making me laugh at the moment is everyone asking me where my ladybirds have gone?

It had the ladybirds down the side too which I don't have a picture of, which made it quite distinctive.  The man who cleans the wheelie bins just said he used to see us all over Leeds!  Well at least now I can drive round unrecognised.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

New Toys!

Its nice to drive and noticibly smaller than old one so easier to manoeuvre.  It has lots of gadgets that I am sure I won't use, I need all my concentration for driving not looking at screens and pressing buttons.  The most disconcerting thing is it has no handbrake!!  Its very quiet, we had got used to a diesel and this being petrol is quieter and hopefully a bit cheaper to run.

Emily loves it, she can see out better as it does not have dark windows, they were an expensive option.  She is disappointed as we are not allowed to stick anything on it, she wanted to make it into a ladybird, not only with spots, but with a black line down the middle!!

Apparently the car can park itself, I have yet to try that and will take some convincing.  And for those of you that drive into brick walls this car won't let you!!  I am not planning on testing that one.

I always get a bit sad changing cars though as you get used to them, they become part of the family and share memorable trips, but its also cool to have something shiny new.  If it weren't for Motability we would not be able to have a brand new car so this will be the last.

My other new toy is my washing machine

That is also very quiet, except when it finishes when it plays a rather loud jingle, but it then switches off so its ok, I could not cope if it did it every few minutes until you got to switch it off.  I decided to have a dryer option too as sometimes its handy if you need something or if weather is poor and washing takes for ever to hang and dry and also if things get wet, which Emily has a habit of doing with her doll that cries and wees on everything!

Well I think it will be beans on toast for us for a while now!!

Finally an unexpected newbie this week, we have 2 baby fishes in the tank only noticed them last night, its all happening round here.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014


Here are a couple of verses I wrote relating to some of the issues we have with behaviour.  I am no poet.


Here is a piece a started to write a while back.  I am unable to type up my writing, but want to save it so have scanned it and pasted as a picture so will see how it displays and if it is readable.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Out with the old in with the new.

Its a week of new starts this week.  Emily returned to school today, in her new shoes (thank you grandma) and new cardigan ("it's nice a fluffy mummy"). She starts her first year in Key stage 2 and with a teacher new to the school and to teaching.  The children have spent time with her and like her. After an unsettled year last year a new start feels good.  She started a gymnastics class last night which she enjoyed and will be a good outlet for her energy and hopefully will stop her asking me to help her do things as she will learn to do them properly.

Tomorrow we say goodbye to our car, it has served us faithfully for the last 3 years.  I have a motability contract at the moment so get to change car after 3 years, but this will end when the new PIP benefit comes in to replace DLA as I won't qualify for the highest mobility component and therefore will not be eligible for motability, but I will have the option to buy the car.  This will happen next year or the year after so we will know by then if we like the car and want to keep it.

Also new this week is a washing machine.  The one I had was awful and despite only having it for 3 years it was time for a new one.  We have got LG F1496AD Washer Dryer which had good reviews. So far so good, but time will tell as we are still working out the programmes and not given it much of a test yet, the drying is rather slow, but won't use it that much.

After a very hectic summer during which we have had school holidays, two deaths and funerals, holidays and breaks and a very unhappy, unsettled Emily, I need to slow down a bit.  I am trying to get into a new routine and be more relaxed (hahaha).  Firstly I plan to spend less time online; Facebook and time wasting games use time and energy that I don't have.  I am taking a complete break from Facebook to avoid getting hooked into peoples dramas and looking at endless projects.  I have unsubscribed from many of my mailing lists as again it took up a lot of time looking at things and just depressed me as I was not able to make the items or afford the offers etc.  My Pinterest activity and blog activity will show on Facebook even though I am not actively using Facebook. I have so many unfinished projects I don't really need more ideas and aim to use the time finishing things, well that's the idea anyway!  I have just started an Elsa doll, which is quite simple so I can do without much effort.  I have several cards to make, but need to concentrate more when doing those so not done much recently, have one that needs to be done soon.  I also still have my waistcoat to finish and another top to start, I did start it in April, but it went wrong and not had chance to look at it since, the time from end of May has just passed in a blur.

I do really need to rest up a lot as the holidays have been hard, but as ever life does not stop to allow me to catch up.  I am waiting for the boiler service this morning so can't go and lie down and then later I am having my hair coloured which really knocks me up.  Its difficult for me to take care of my own appearance I am unable to wash and style my own hair so have people who do this for me.  I rarely wear make up or dress up as the effort is too much and would impact on whatever we were going to and I also have Emily to get ready if we are going out so I do the bare minimum for me.  This is the main reason I keep having my hair coloured despite the consequences, I would feel very scruffy if I didn't and would be rather grey.  The main thing is that it makes me very dizzy and causes me neck and back pain from sitting and holding head up and having my head moved about.  I know I will regret it tomorrow, but it will look nice and do look forward to looking a bit better.  I will probably end up in bed much of tomorrow :-( is it really worth it?

Tomorrow I should have a less hectic day, except that it is cleaning day so is very noisy and my cleaner likes to talk to me, whereas I just want to be left alone.  I find it difficult having people in the house and in my space, but I need them.  In October my cleaner/PA is away for 3 weeks and I have no back up so things will be very chaotic then.  Many things will get left and other things I will have to try and do as and when.  But it will mean a messy dirty house, unmade beds, creased clothes etc.  And then when she gets back it is half term, agggghhhh.

Boiler service man on his way now.

Thursday I have a meeting with children's services for support with Emily's behaviour.  I sometimes wonder if having these meetings and appointments really help as they wear me out so I don't have time, energy and patience for Emily!  We have had a really hectic holiday, but yet I feel like I haven't done anything, its madness.  We really need some quiet family time, but often when we do get that I feel too ill to do anything and end up in bed, its very frustrating for all of us and tempers get rather frayed.

On Friday its more messing with my head and having haircut, can't manage the colour and cut in the same day.  I wish it wasn't so complicated to get even the simplest of things done.

And that's just this week.  I feel like flopping into bed and not moving for a week, not much hope of that.  The other thing I really fancy is a nice relaxing foot massage.  Had my physio massage yesterday, but that's not relaxing as its painful and the physio chats away and I had to take Emily yesterday, she never stops talking.

I need to finish now as I am getting too dizzy and my neck is painful, hoping boiler service will be quick then I can go to rest as Emily wants me to scooter to pick her up, which is actually not too bad as I don't have to drive and worry about parking, but I do have to be ready to leave earlier.  I am sure she will have lots to tell me, I need to make the most of the peace and quiet.  Boiler all ok, Thank goodness, don't think I could manage a new one of those, I still think of it as being quite new, but we have had it 13 years, where does the time go?

Here are a few pictures from the school holidays