I am feeling very down today. I feel like I never have the time and energy to do what I want or need to do. It makes me feel like I must be very lazy as I have more time than many, but I still don't get things done.
The ME makes my time limited and what time I do have seems in great demand. I get up at 7 am to get myself fed and ready, before getting Emily fed and ready and off to school, usually tidying up and putting washing in etc along the way. Three morning a week I have someone in to wash and dry my hair which although I need it breaks into the time and limits what I can get on with. On Wednesday morning I have the person to do hair and the cleaner so that is manic. The morning soon passes with getting odd jobs done and then its time to eat and rest before collecting Emily from school. I need to rest for at least 2 hours, at this time my PA usually comes in and gets some of the chores done. Once Emily is home there is getting her sorted and making sure she does daily reading and homework and anything else she want to do. Often she sits and watches TV and I can get a bit of something done, but if I start anything she demands my attention. Then its tea time and although I don't usually cook the meal I do help with bits and usually decide what we are having whilst trying to keep up with Emily demands and speak to Rob when he gets home. After tea we try to do things with Emily which may still be homework!! Then there is bath time and bedtime. By the time Emily is settled and story read its nearly 8.30 and time to catch up with Rob and make any plans we need to make for next day or so. By 9.30 its time for me to go to bed as I am exhausted by then, but also frustrated at getting so little done.
I know I spend quite a bit of time at the computer, but its bits of time and just fills gaps. But is it really a waste of time. I get lots of ideas, but then get frustrated with lack of time. Recently I have been doing Christmas shopping online, I have got lots of things, probably too many, its a bit too easy to press a button and buy. I have no idea what exactly I have got and need to sort things out and find out who and what I still need to buy for.
Getting done the things I want to do just becomes hard work, as there is little time to fit them in, if I do something I want to do I have to sacrifice something else be that a job that needs doing or time with Emily and or Rob. I have no space for doing things so anything I do get out then needs to be put away again so its not possible to have something out and just keep doing a little as I get chance so it becomes a bigger thing with having to get out and tidy away and therefore is more time consuming. We did think about a loft conversion to have a dedicated craft/hobby etc space, but in reality it would probably just become another cluttered space and its just too expensive and demanding to justify, not to mention more stairs and space to keep sorted. Using the loft would also be rather anti social. Its very frustrating though when every space we have is just a multi purpose area. We tried to create a space in the spare bedroom, but in reality there is little room and it is never organised enough and again I can't leave out things on the go they need to be tidied away after each session.
I often also have appointments to fit in or place I need to go which for me takes a lot of time and energy. This week have been to the Physio, been to the library and had my hair cut, it all mounts up. I always feel like I am really busy and aware that I need to fit in rest time and have to be ok to collect Emily from school and meet her needs too.
I desperately need to finish off the 90th birthday card which is currently sitting on the dining table, whilst also finding and wrapping the present to go with it, at the same time trying to conserve energy for the party and family photos at the weekend. Weekends are spent catching up on chores and or visiting family, there never seems to be much relaxing time even though I don't do a lot of the chores, time is spent working out when they can be done and who can do them. Visiting family is an 80 mile round trip and that doesn't take into account anything we do whilst we are there. I don't do the driving, but still find it exhausting.
Having help in the house means many of the physical tasks are taken off me, but I still have the organisation to do and paperwork to pay people and the disruption of people in and out of the house and sometimes wonder what is actually helpful as I still don't have time for what I want, which is mainly to spend time on crafty things or doing nice things with Emily rather than just chasing her round to get ready for school or to do her homework or go in the bath! Not to mention finding the time to bath myself! I know I am not alone in these dilemmas and don't know how people cope with full times jobs and housework and children they seem to have more hours in the day than me, which to some degree they do as they don't need to rest which I feel is dead time and go to bed early in order to function, although I am sure many people would like to.
So is writing a blog a good use of my time or is it just a moan? When I decided to write the blog I wanted it to be a record of things I have made and somewhere to display things and see progress, but it seems to be more a list of things I have not done and that need or want doing. Its a good place to note ideas, but again is that a good use of time and space? I end up with an endless list of things I like and want to do, but that in reality will never be done. Am I better using the time actually doing something? Again it is unlikely that I would use the time that way as the time I spend browsing is usually just odd bits of time or time when I am too tired to do other things.
I had better finish here or this rant could go on forever and I am already very tired, its only 10am, so shall I get some more of the card done? Or am I already too tired, then there is the washing to put away and paperwork to do. My PA is away this week so there are more chores to be done or ignored!! Life feels so exhausting even when sat down!!