Thursday, June 05, 2014


This was written one night last week when I was unable to sleep and typed up by Rob and me.


There are several definitions depending on context:

1.       Bury or drown beneath something, especially water
2.       A strong emotional effect e.g. overcome with, dumbfounded, disturbed, dazed
3.       Defeat completely – trounced, beaten, overpowered

Even though these are referring to different things I feel then all, like I’m buried or drowning in things, also the emotional effect; overcome, disturbed, dazed etc.; the defeat; feeling beaten, overpowered.
Everything around me seems so overwhelming, be it daily routine, things to do, ideas, thoughts, noise, coming and goings, Emily’s demands and constant chatter, possessions, decisions. It all feels too much – drowning, overcome, beaten – day in day out.

Even in a quiet time, there is constant noise in my ears (tinnitus), constant chatter in my head (thoughts, ideas, regrets, decisions), constant sensations (pain, tingling, numbness) – it’s like a constant assault on my body and senses and that’s when nothing else is happening, which is rare.

I have so many want, needs, regrets, ideas and they are all jumbled together. I wish there was an on/off switch sometimes or even just a pause. For example, just taking this moment in time – it’s 11:30pm and all is quiet and calm. But I have an awful noise in my ears, tingling in my feet and legs, pain in my back, need to wee every few minutes, main in my chest, tingling in my face and hands, and a strange sensation in my throat. I’m tired but unsettled, conflicted by knowing I need to sleep and also trying too hard. But then I feel  I should try something else, but I know I need to be up and functioning in the morning; no chance to have a lie in, feeling dizzy and like I am moving even though I am still.

Moving on from this, there is all the stuff in my mind. Emily’s behaviour: what can I do to make things better; it’s my fault – she has needs I can’t meet; I should be able to control her; why does she do it; I need to do things differently; she must be unhappy about things; I can’t relate to her; she is better off without me; is she normal; it’s too difficult; why does she treat me this way; does she hate me; she is punishing me; I should be able to do what she wants me to do; why can’t I work it out; I hate been a mum; why it’s my fault for wanting a child; I can’t cope; I want to run away; I want to curl up; I want to do better; what does she want; what does she need; what am I doing wrong? And it goes on, and on, and on…

Then there is remembering things to do;

cards, quilting, knitting, beading, sorting out, writing, reading, website.

I have many ideas for projects.  What I don't have is time and energy and things drag on and on or never get finished.

The house is chock full of craft supplies, books, toys, games and so many odds and ends, we can never find things because there is so much to hunt through.  Sorting stuff out and cleaning out is so overwhelming, time consuming, full of decisions and regrets and can't be fitted in around daily life and daily life doesn't stop whilst you tackle something else.

There are always so many decisions to make- what to do today, how to keep people happy, priorities, best use of time and energy, what to eat, what to wear, what to say, then there isn't the time to do any of it or the decision is wrong ad has to be dealt with or things change and a whole new set of decisions need to be made and so it goes on. No wonder I am exhausted before I even do anything.

I am overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, sadness, frustrations, anger, distress, anxiety, regret, fear, shame, disgust, jealousy, anguish, guilt, worry, disappointment, restlessness, conflict, fatigue, pain and despair.

There is no room for happiness, pleasure, love, satisfaction, affection, tolerance, sleep, peace and calm.

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