Monday, June 22, 2015

ME and guilt

Been feeling really guilty and anxious this weekend.  There is a  lot going on and I am dependent on Rob to get things done, which makes me feel bad as he has a full time job and deserves a break at weekends, but weekends get so manic trying to fit things in and keep up with chores and activities.

On Saturday I ordered some new craft stuff, but then felt really guilty as it's not my money and I don't have a lot of time to do things so often things go unused, it feels wasteful and unfair on Rob and Emily, so why do I do it.  As I do my ordering online I often fill my shopping basket and then never check it out, I did this several times with these items, it was only when an offer came through from one of the companies that I finally ordered.  It's lovely getting new stuff and trying out new ideas, but it's always tempered by the guilt, I feel sick writing about it.  I then feel under pressure to use the stuff and think of ideas, but in reality there is little time and energy and other things take priority.  This morning I am trying to get going on a card that someone has ordered from me, but still feel guilty and that I should be getting other things done.  I have done two loads of washing and got Emily ready and to school, so why do I feel bad?  My kitchen is a mess, but B comes in to sort that out later, the dining room is full of half painted furniture,  I should sort that out, but its difficult to do and Rob wants to do it, but I know he doesn't really have the time and it's likely to stay there all week.  I get like this when I have people working in the house I feel like I should be running about doing things and looking busy!

I have extra things on this week, so do need to conserve my energy.  I am also getting in a panic as Rob is out tomorrow night so I need to be able to cook something for Emily and me, I also have to get things ready tonight as rob takes Emily to gymnastics.  I don't know why I am worrying as it will just be simple stuff to put in the oven, but then I feel bad as Emily has so many meals of chicken nuggets, chips and peas, especially on the night she doesn't eat at same time as us.  It what she asks for and I don't have the energy to do something better for her.  I can't eat the same as her because of my intolerances, so end up doing different things and get in a muddle, its so annoying and I waste a lot of energy worrying before I have even started to do anything.  it's not very in keeping with the mindfulness which has really gone out the window this weekend. It just makes me feel so useless and a burden.

Emily does a lot of outside school activities and I can't really get her to them so poor Rob has to get in from work, cook and then take Emily where ever she is going, leaving me alone a lot of the time, I feel like I never see them and when they are around there are basic things that need doing which we all find boring and frustrating and everyone is tired and irritable.

I have been trying not to let the building work get to me, as it will be great when it's done and it's something we have wanted to do for many years, but never had the money or time to get it done.  After so many times of putting it off we got a quote which was more reasonable and seeing their work we were very impressed so decided to bite the bullet and go for it.  The actual work is not really a problem, a bit noisy, but it the impacts on other things like painting furniture in the dining room, having to go and choose carpets, needing to find a decorator and it all gets overwhelming and I am stuck in the house with constant reminders of what needs to be done and feeling guilty because I can't do things and not wanting to ask Rob as he has enough to do already.

Emily hates change, so although she is excited about getting a new bedroom, she is also very unsettled and got upset with the scaffolding outside her bedroom and wants to help with things, that she can't really do, it's so frustrating.

Yesterday I met up with a lady who is doing skin care and make up to raise money for the Nepal earthquake appeal.  She was doing a skin cleanse and make up for just £4, her aim is to do 30 in 30 days.  It was nice to have it done, my beauty routine and make up gets very neglected.  I hardly ever wear make up and usually forget my skincare!  The lady is also trying to promote Tropic Skincare.  They are nice products, but more expensive than I would normally buy as I don't feel it's worth it when I rarely use them and don't go out much.  Thankfully she was not pushy and was basically trying to raise money, having just done fundraising myself I was keen to help and it's great when you get something for your donation too.  Sadly again this made me feel guilty though, it was Father's Day and there I was having something done for me and poor Rob sitting outside in car waiting for me, it's also his money, not that he minds a good cause.  Emily came in with me and of course chattered away.  Later on she said the make up is nice, but it's a waste of time and money to do it everyday.  So true Emily.  If anyone local is interested in supporting this lady with her good cause see details here.

After the makeup we went to Rivers Meet  to show our support at the Summer Fair.  There were many people there that know me and they all said wow you look great, you don't look like you, your hair looks great!  It's a bit of a shock really, I am not used to compliments and its hard to know how to take it.  Does that mean I usually look bad?  Should I try harder to look nice when I go out?  One person said to me  that I looked really well, but she she knows me realised that I probably didn't feel that good.  Then it's kind of I have to accept these compliments and say nice things in return, but I am useless at talking to people and it was noisy, so I felt I was being rude.  We also didn't buy anything, it feels wrong to go and look at the things people have made and say how nice they are, but not buy anything, I know they have put a lot of time and effort into their products and want to make a bit of money from it, but I can't buy things I already have or don't need.  I hope that lots of other people did buy.

More guilt was piled on when we got back home, as it was time for me to rest, but Emily didn't want me ton and then she got upset saying she had no one to play with, meaning other children, even though she was going out again an hour later to a Messy Church.  I felt bad because I couldn't go with her and because Rob had to take her and then come back and get tea ready whilst I rested.

It's all so frustrating and I always feel guilty and useless and push myself to try and do things so that others don't have to, which usually makes things worse not better.

Now I have to get something to eat and go to rest which all feels wrong whilst Rob is working, Emily is at school, the workmen are working and B comes in to sort the house out.  Most people would think an afternoon rest great, but not me I hate it and it feels so wrong that other people do so much for me, but I still complain that I have too much to do, or that I am missing out on things or can't do nice things.  Am I being selfish and unreasonable, am I am being unfair to others, should I try harder?  is it wrong to do things for pleasure or relaxation?

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