New Year is always a tough time and I hate feeling so useless, with so many things I want to do and or achieve another year older and still in the same situation and the things I do seem so pointless, or a waste of time, energy and money.
Having my social services review telling me that many of the things I need I can't have any more or am doing wrong does not help. Why approve the care if they are just going to unapprove it when they feel like it. My head is all over the place and makes being able to do things even harder, I can't concentrate even to read at the moment which I usually enjoy even if I don't remember much about the book by the end.
I want to be able to do something that is worthwhile or that I can make some money from instead of it all being one expense after another just amuse myself or to find that I can't do what I fancied doing.
Inspired by Beads Direct Snowflake Bracelets, I have recently made these.
I bought the wrong sized Shamballa bead on the blue one, so it doesn't stand out as much as the others. They look great, but what is the point as I rarely wear bracelets, not much point just in the house and doing the school run. I would love to make some of the other colours, but again it seems a waste just to sit in the cupboard looking pretty. Making them to sell is pretty pointless too as they would not make enough to cover costs and its easy enough for people to make their own, it doesn't require any special skill or even much time. I don't have enough spare of any of the beads to make others either unless I bought bigger packets, but can't really do that unless I knew there was an outlet for them and it was worth my while.
I enjoy other crafts too, like the card stitching, but that is quite time consuming unless its a really simple pattern. I had planned to make another teddy one for a friend, but its her birthday next week. Its a nice thing to do, but a lot of work when most of them probably get thrown away after a few days.
I want to make a frozen themed one for Emily, I don't have the confidence to make my own pattern and the images from Frozen are not simple enough to do that, but I have got a snowflake pattern so am thinking of stitching the snowflakes and them putting a cut out image on the card too. This used to be easy with my other printer, but for some reason the current one doesn't print on card, should work on photo card though that seems to be the limit,but I don't know how to print the photos to correct size on this printer, makes me feel pretty useless we have had the printer long enough.
For Christmas I mainly got clothes, people don't really know what to buy for me as I don't 'do' anything. They are nice enough, but will add to those I already have in the hope that I might have a chance to wear them one day. I bought some in the sales too, again a pointless waste of money to sit in cupboard or just to wear around the house. I am wearing my fleece lined trousers that my husband bought me, even if they do attract every speck of cat fur!! they are nice and warm and more comfy than Jeans, don't think I have been outside with them yet though!
Mind you I wonder what happens to the things that I bought for other people. I know many of the kids toys get put in a cupboard and rarely see the light of day. Emily has started to play with things she already had as she gets too overwhelmed with the new stuff and its her birthday soon. She doesn't get that much play time anyway with school and after school events and even the things she really wanted have only been touched a handful of times. It didn't help that as soon as she had opened her presents we had to leave them at home for 4 days before she could play with them. Again my time and effort buying them seems rather pointless, but there is also so much pressure to buy kids lots of stuff even if they don't play with it, perhaps I should try the less is more principle next time, but we are all so afraid of being thought mean. One of the things Emily did really want was an Elsa outfit and to her credit she has worn it quite a bit, but the gloves split on Christmas day as did the seem of the dress so I had to repair them, not much point in complaining as she wants it now a replacement or refund would not be suitable, but it rather disappointing as many of these things are when they don't even last out Christmas day. I did actually feel rather more useful in being able to repair them, but not sure how long it will last. I need to get my sewing machine out to repair the dress seem better and one of Emily's school skirts, but the effort is too much at the moment and the only place I can use it is on the dining room table, not very practical.
If I get the sewing machine out I will feel the need to get on with some of my quilt or a cushion cover I want to make for Emily with a panel that I got with her initial in Frozen font , but I know I will make a mess of them at the moment and again it seems pointless as they will serve no purpose, its so disheartening.
I am waiting for a courier to come and collect Emily's tablet, she bought herself one just after last Christmas as lots of people she knew had got ipads for Christmas. It now has a fault with the charging port so needs repair. Thankfully it is still in warranty, so will be repaired by manufacturer, the hard part will be waiting for it to come back, think I will be kicked off computer!
I have so many unfinished things around, knitting that I can't work out or don't have chance to do, I have very little time for actually doing anything I want to do. Cards, sewing, cross stitch, but again it also all seems so pointless as what happens to it when it is done?
One of the questions the social services asked me was do you get chance to do the things you want to do for yourself? Well no not really, but there is not much that can change that, I don't have the time, energy, concentration or independence required for things I want or like to do.
And that's before I even think about doing something worthwhile or rewarding or actually being useful and paying my own way in life. I was talking to someone the other day who was rather surprised to discover that I have a Master's Degree, yes I do, that's pretty pointless too and I can't function at that level any more. Its very depressing to be approaching 44 and still not having made use of my education or done anything to be able to support myself.
Well I guess I have a use tonight as Rob is out so I have to take Emily to kick boxing and he is out again so have to take her to a party. I am without one of my hearing aids at the moment so at least the noise won't bother me as much, but it also means I have no idea what anyone is saying, making me look all the more stupid. I don't know how long I will have to wait for the hearing aid to be returned or if the fault will be sorted on return, its rather frustrating and doesn't help me feel any better about myself and my abilities.
Ah well this is rather a long feel sorry for myself moan. I really need to work on seeing the positives and being grateful for what I have and can do. I must make use of my happy jar that I made with Emily and stop feeling so sorry for myself.
Meanwhile I try to take on board these.