Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Why should I?

I have spent large chunks of the last few days in bed as I have been unable to do my normal stuff without feeling too ill and it is already hitting me this morning.  BUT why do I feel guilty, why should I try and do more, why should I be up and about and doing as much as possible, why should I do things I know will make me feel much worse.  What is wrong with resting, or lying in bed when I have the chance?  What is bad about resting most of the day so I feel ok when my daughter finishes school?  Why should I do what other people want me to do or keep others happy when it makes me feel so ill?

For weeks I have been feeling guilty because I can't make enough stuff to be able to sell and get some money back, but why should I, I am not well enough to do it and often don't manage to make enough for my own needs, so why do I feel I have to do more.  Why do I feel guilty about buying things to make and keeping them for when I feel up to it? What is wrong with making things for myself even if I don't get much use out of them?  Why do I feel that making things for gifts has no value to them, because I have made them, even though it takes a lot of time and effort on my part, but yet if I buy something someone else has made it has a value?  Why do I feel that other peoples things are better than mine, even though they probably took a fraction of the time and effort.

Why should my pain and other symptoms count less than anyone else's?  Why should I feel guilty for asking for help or support or for admitting I feel awful?

Why should I try to appear normal when I am not?

Why should I let people's expectations, assumptions or demands get to me and take priority over my needs?

If I don't feel like doing things, why should I feel I have to, or feel guilty for just sitting browsing Facebook if that's all I feel able to do or feel that I have to make up for it later.  I have a bit of a love hate relationship with Facebook, I think it is a big waste of time, but also feel it is my only connection with the outside world and also people with similar issues.  I often get tied up in things and then realise I have used all my time and energy on something that I shouldn't be doing.

Why should I feel guilty that I can't walk my daughter to school, many others choose not to.  Or that I can't prepare and cook a proper meal, again many choose not to.

I could go on forever, but why should I?  It will get boring and waste my energy, all ready feeling bad and needing to rest.  I will sit watching the snow and try to make a bit more of my daughter's birthday card, I only have 2 weeks to go!!


  1. So me!
    What are we like. As those closest too me point out it is frustrating to watch me try to struggle on through pain to do stuff I don't need to.
    Easier for them if i accept and do my job, which is resting to get better!
    I find it so hard mentally doing that though.

  2. Yes its tough isn't it.

    I might get my husband to write a piece about living with me!