Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Why should I?

I have spent large chunks of the last few days in bed as I have been unable to do my normal stuff without feeling too ill and it is already hitting me this morning.  BUT why do I feel guilty, why should I try and do more, why should I be up and about and doing as much as possible, why should I do things I know will make me feel much worse.  What is wrong with resting, or lying in bed when I have the chance?  What is bad about resting most of the day so I feel ok when my daughter finishes school?  Why should I do what other people want me to do or keep others happy when it makes me feel so ill?

For weeks I have been feeling guilty because I can't make enough stuff to be able to sell and get some money back, but why should I, I am not well enough to do it and often don't manage to make enough for my own needs, so why do I feel I have to do more.  Why do I feel guilty about buying things to make and keeping them for when I feel up to it? What is wrong with making things for myself even if I don't get much use out of them?  Why do I feel that making things for gifts has no value to them, because I have made them, even though it takes a lot of time and effort on my part, but yet if I buy something someone else has made it has a value?  Why do I feel that other peoples things are better than mine, even though they probably took a fraction of the time and effort.

Why should my pain and other symptoms count less than anyone else's?  Why should I feel guilty for asking for help or support or for admitting I feel awful?

Why should I try to appear normal when I am not?

Why should I let people's expectations, assumptions or demands get to me and take priority over my needs?

If I don't feel like doing things, why should I feel I have to, or feel guilty for just sitting browsing Facebook if that's all I feel able to do or feel that I have to make up for it later.  I have a bit of a love hate relationship with Facebook, I think it is a big waste of time, but also feel it is my only connection with the outside world and also people with similar issues.  I often get tied up in things and then realise I have used all my time and energy on something that I shouldn't be doing.

Why should I feel guilty that I can't walk my daughter to school, many others choose not to.  Or that I can't prepare and cook a proper meal, again many choose not to.

I could go on forever, but why should I?  It will get boring and waste my energy, all ready feeling bad and needing to rest.  I will sit watching the snow and try to make a bit more of my daughter's birthday card, I only have 2 weeks to go!!








2 comments:

  1. So me!
    What are we like. As those closest too me point out it is frustrating to watch me try to struggle on through pain to do stuff I don't need to.
    Easier for them if i accept and do my job, which is resting to get better!
    I find it so hard mentally doing that though.
    Hugs.x

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  2. Yes its tough isn't it.

    I might get my husband to write a piece about living with me!

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