All Princessed out

Last few days, May Offer, any orders for cards or bracelets, money will be donated to ME fundraising. Items won't be made until June though, due to school holidays, check out http://www.craftyjanes.co.uk/gallery.shtml and https://www.pinterest.com/emilysmummy/made-by-me/ for ideas.

My current total for the fundraising is £459.01 plus gift aid of £92.98, which is £551.99!  The Princess team total is over £5,000 :-)

I did another awareness event at Rothwell Baptist Church  Family Friday, we did the crown making again and Rob did a talk. It was good, but was rather ME from Rob's point of view, we were supposed to do it together, but I got past being able to argue with him and just let him get on with it.  It gave the information even if it wasn't quite how I would have done it. It seemed to be well received. I always find it difficult to judge and always think it does not do justice to the reality, but how can you do that really?  When we did the one at school the children asked some interesting questions.  I think as much as anything though it shows that you never know what a person is feeling or suffering, whether it be illness, bereavement, trauma etc and could make for some interesting discussions.   If anyone is interested in sharing experiences and writing a piece I would love to hear from you by email or comment on this post.

As part of the fundraising we also had an auction on the team facebook page I sold some bracelets and cards, I hope their new owners like them.

At the school event and the Friday club event we had a competition for best crown for boy and girl, here is Emily modelling the ones made by her class mates

Between the two events we also went to see Disney on Ice at Leeds Arena.  It was a great show, but rather exhausting for me, it was well worth it to see Emily's face

I am going to post this now as it has taken me nearly a week to type it!  I hope to post the full set of photos and captions when I have the time and energy, doing these events and having school holiday has been totally exhausting, being a Princess is not an easy life!

Story behind the photos!

Every picture tells a story or so they say, or the camera never lies, but in this case the pictures were not telling the truth.  They show happy faces, they show peace, they show fun.  They don't show the pain, the difficulty getting ready and getting there, the payback for doing it, the effects of the bright lights, the effects of having to concentrate on what people were telling me to do and still getting it wrong.  They don't show the weeks of preparation and anxiety about getting it right and being ready. They don't show ME at all do they?

We tried to tell a story by taking the sleeping pictures

But without the captions they don't tell you much.  They don't tell you how painful it was to be in that position, they don't tell you I had 2 hours sleep the night before, they don't tell you the tiara was hurting my head and making me dizzy, they don't tell you how difficult it was to put my make up on and how ill I felt the day before having my hair cut and coloured, they don't tell you all the thoughts rushing about in my head and how all I want to do is go home and lie down for real.

Add captions and they do speak a bit louder

But they are still far from the truth.

Then we have the ones where it looks like I am holding Emily

Actually she is standing on a chair

Then the ones of me on my own, smiling and laughing

Again they don't show the effort of just standing there and the brightness and trying to follow instructions, the difficulty moving about in the dress.  They do demonstrate putting on a brave face

They do maybe demonstrate some of the isolation and the feeling of being alone with the illness, as what you don't see is the other four people who were in the room, or that they were doing all sorts of things to make me laugh and smile.

The ones with Emily, don't show the pain I feel at missing out on so much of her growing up and and the guilt at not being able to be a proper Mum to her, the difficulties I have trying to explain my illness to her and the battle I have to do the best I can, which never feels enough.

They don't show me going straight to bed when we got home, hardly able to move.  They don't show later in the day when she wanted me to carry on playing Princesses and I got angry at her fussing and excitement.  They don't show me crying as I can't do what she wants or because I can't stand the noise or because she won't listen to me.  They don't show the confusion on her face when she can't understand why I can't play with her or meet her demands.  They don't show all the help I have to keep the house in order and to put food on the table so that I can be there for her.  They don't show the sadness I feel when she has to put me to bed or help me in the bath rather than the other way around.

They show a happy little girl there is no doubt about that, but they don't show the tantrums and defiance and confusion of her every day life.

They show a little girl who is well cared for as she has a Dad who works hard and makes sure she can have what she wants and take part in activities without my support.  They don't show the hours I spend on my own waiting for her to come home, only to find it too overwhelming and the joy crushed.  

They show a little girl who is loved, but it is so difficult to show that to her and to show that I really mean it.

The sad pictures maybe show better reality, but still dressed up and wearing make up is not the real me.

Wearing comfy clothes and shoes that take minimal effort to put on and wear is much more me, hence the slippers

This doesn't tell that my husband also has health issues and had cancer at 29 and needs a complicated drug regime for the rest of his life.  Or that he has to work full time to cover the expenses of my being ill, cost of physio, wheelchairs, special food and that he has to come home from work and cook a meal and that he has to take me everywhere I need to go and does many things on my behalf.  That he has never been able to enjoy his recovery as he has always had me and Emily to care for.  We have to pay out for decorators and gardening because he just doesn't have the time for doing DIY.  It doesn't show the stress and the arguments that we have, I don't even recognise those smiles.  That we never spend any time together as I am too worn out once Emily has gone to bed and we hardly ever have time without Emily and if we do it's to difficult to do anything.

The happy family photo, again a rare sight to all be in the same room and looking happy, no sign of the strain of getting us all ready, the arguments and tears later on because I felt so ill and Emily and Rob were fed up.  The fact that we have to accept that this is our complete family despite the longing for another child that we can't have and the times that Emily is so upset because she has no one to play with or to share the burden of having a sick disabled Mum, someone who would understand how she felt, although I would not wish that upon another child at least they would have each other for comfort.

These pictures from the same day show a more realistic story, having to use a wheelchair to go out, spending hours resting in a dark room and the fact that some places see disability as a joke!  Out of 4 disabled spaces 2 were obstructed with concrete pillars so couldn't be used by a car, but they have provided the obligatory spaces.  I emailed them to complain, but as yet have not has a reply and don't really expect to.  Ah well I won't have to worry soon as my entitlement to a blue badge is coming to an end due to criteria changes, so then I won't be able to go out anyway!

I need to stop now as this long post also gives the wrong impression, it doesn't show, how many mistakes I have made, how long it has taken, the pain and dizziness and shaking to get it complete whilst I still know what I want to say.

So have I raised awareness into ME?  I don't know, I think I have given a very good demonstration of why people think people with ME are liars and not really ill at all.  I pushed myself made myself more ill and gave totally the wrong impression.  No wonder people don't understand, but if I showed the real story there would be nothing to see and we can't spend all our lives being miserable and feeling sorry for ourselves, sometimes you have to put on a brave face and make an effort and accept the consequences of it.

Princess for a day, reality hits!

So much for feeling like a Princess, I feel awful.  The build up to the day and preparing things has left me exhausted, in lots of pain, feeling sick and dizzy, with a sore throat, serious tingling in my feet, legs, hands and face and poor concentration.  The events of the last few days, having my hair done, having the photos taken and dealing with all the stuff around the hamster dying are really hitting home today.  Me doesn't respect what day it is or let you have a day off for some fun.

I am going into Emily's class later to tell them about having ME and to make Princess crowns with them.  I had so many plans and things I would love to do with them, but in reality I'll probably just bore them and look stupid.  I am not dressed as a Princess today, my dress is too heavy and awkward to wear again let alone go into school and do messy activities.  The dress I wore on Sunday for the Princess photos is my wedding dress, I have always dreamed of wearing it again and feeling so special, but in reality it was very hard work getting ready and walking around and I didn't get that special feeling I had dreamed of.  I did have ME when we got married 14 years ago next month and it had to be factored into the day and the wedding plans, but I am sure I wouldn't be able to do it again now, but it's also amazing what adrenaline and determination can do.

I have lots of ideas of how to use the photos and have made up some to share, but it will take weeks to do the others as I need help with them and the energy and concentration required for the task.

We did enjoy dressing as Princesses, Emily was so excited and you can see from the pictures she loved it and was definitely the star of the show.

I am paying the price today for my enthusiasm and efforts and just when I wanted to be my best I have had to get Rob to take Emily to school and he has to come and help me at school later as despite all my ideas I can't do much more than turn up and hope everyone else has fun.  This is the sad reality of ME and the price my family have to pay too.  Rob has a full time job and Emily is trying to deal with growing up, school and the loss of her pet hamster (a big deal when you are 8).

Please follow the days events on Princess for ME, there is an auction later, some of my bracelets and cards are in it.  Also visit ME organisations such as Action for ME, ME association, AYME or google ME and see what comes up!

There is a lot of ME activity on Facebook and Twitter today, so please show your support if you use these sites.  I am Jane E M Shaw on Facebook.  I don't understand Twitter and don't need any other distractions!

Well here are some of my pictures, I hope you will keep following me and the pictures as I create them. I have a lot more to say and share, but ME is not willing and I don't want to miss this afternoon through pushing even harder.  The pictures are not in any particular order, please make sure yo go to the bottom for the ones that are captioned.

Thank to all those who have supported me and donated, there is still chance Just Giving