Painful music

Have you ever notice that songs are usually about some powerful emotion, usually love or loss.

Last weekend when it was cold and we kept saying oh the wind is so cold and song popped into my head and have been bugging me ever since, I finally looked it up today it is It's all coming back to me now by Celine Dion, there is also a Meatloaf version.

There were nights when the wind was so cold

That my body froze in bed

If I just listened to it

Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel

That all the tears turned to dust

And I just knew my eyes were

Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left

And I can't remember where or when or how

And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this

And you hold me like that

I just have to admit

That it's all coming back to me

When I touch you like this

And I hold you like that

It's so hard to believe but

It's all coming back to me

(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold

And there were flashes of light

There were things I'd never do again

But then they'd always seemed right

There were nights of endless pleasure

It was more than any laws allow

Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this

And if you whisper like that

It was lost long ago

But it's all coming back to me

If you want me like this

And if you need me like that

It was dead long ago

But it's all coming back to me

It's so hard to resist

And it's all coming back to me

I can barely recall

But it's all coming back to me now

But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies

And whenever you tried to hurt me

I just hurt you even worse

And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days

When alone at last we'd count up all the chances

That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door

And I made myself so strong again somehow

And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this

And if you kiss me like that

It was so long ago

But it's all coming back to me

If you touch me like this

And if I kiss you like that

It was gone with the wind

But it's all coming back to me

(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold

And there were flashes of light

There were things we'd never do again

But then they'd always seemed right

There were nights of endless pleasure

It was more than all your laws allow

Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this

And when you hold me like that

It was gone with the wind

But it's all coming back to me

When you see me like this

And when I see you like that

Then we see what we want to see

All coming back to me

The flesh and the fantasies

All coming back to me

I can barely recall

But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this

If I forgive you all that

We forgive and forget

And it's all coming back to me

When you see me like this

And when I see you like that

We see just what we want to see

All coming back to me

The flesh and the fantasies

All coming back to me

I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)

And when you kiss me like this

(It's all coming back to me now)

And when I touch you like that

(It's all coming back to me now)

If you do it like this

(It's all coming back to me now)

And if we, , ,

I assume that like many songs this is about the break up of a relationship,or a death of a loved one, but it also struck me that it could also be about loss of a previous life or relationship with someone you are still with as happens to those of us with long term or life changing illness.  You lose the old you, relationships with family and friends change.  You can't be the wife, mother daughter etc that you were and want to be.  Apparently the song was inspired by Wuthering Heights.  There are always things happening that remind you of how things were in the past and how much you want it back.

Emily is learning See You Again by Charlie Puth.  Again it's a song about loss;

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again

Why'd you have to leave so soon?

Why'd you have to go?

Why'd you have to leave me when I needed you the most?

'Cause I don't really know how to tell ya

Without feeling much worse

I know you're in a better place

But it's always gonna hurt

Carry on

Give me all the strength I need to carry on

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again

Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh

Oohh

How do I breathe without you

I'm feeling so cold

I'll be waiting right here for ya

Till the day you're home

Carry on

Give me all the strength I need to carry on

So let the light guide your way

Hold every memory as you go

And every road you take will always lead you home, home

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again

Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh

Oohh

When I see you again

See you again

When I see you again

It could easily be someone waiting for their health to return and wanting to catch up with the old life.  Maybe!

Living with Chronic illness is an ongoing grief process, feelings of loss and always hoping the old life will return.  The old life is gone and no matter if we got well again the impact of the illness would have lasting effects and you would never just go back to the old life.  So much time has passed and changes happen all the time, memories always seem very appealing, but I am not sure many of us would want to go back to the old us.  I think we have all learned a lot whilst being ill and hopefully would actually be a better person than we used to be, but it's all a big unknown which is why the past seems more attractive.

I a not sure if much of this makes sense, my brain is like mush and my concentration rubbish, but I need to do something to occupy my mind and keep some of the thoughts and issues of every day life at bay for a while.  So what do I do, talk about sad songs, ah well

Another year older

Thank you to everyone for my birthday and anniversary messages. We went out for lunch at http://2oxfordplace.com/ and went to see a small exhibition at Thackray Medical Museum http://wellcomecollection.org/…/georgie-meadows-stitched-dr…. I had a party tea with Emily. I felt pretty rubbish by the end of the day, it's a shame ME doesn't give us one day off!

Rob got me a laptop, so I can now type in more comfort, hope that doesn't mean I will spend more time on computer though it's not good for me.

I found out yesterday that the nurses home at Derby Royal Infirmary as was is now being knocked down

My room is just hanging in there 2nd window up on the left!  It did not upset me as much as it did when I found out about it, but I have been on you tube watching people filming inside the derelict buildings and find it sad that part of my past is no longer there, but maybe this will finally allow me to move on instead of being stuck in the past and dwelling on regrets.

It's a busy week as building has finally started in the house.  The builders are being very good and keeping disruption to a minimum and I am trying to keep calm about it.  I even fell asleep yesterday afternoon, which is practically unheard of for me, but then I felt guilty and over did it later on and had a bad night, either dreaming or awake.

I am still trying to get settled on a new dose of Amitriptyline, which makes me drowsy during the day and dizzy, but its helping with pain control and I am calmer.  Hoping the drowsiness and dizzy will settle soon.  I have blood tests this morning too.

I have started a mindfulness course in an effort to be calmer and appreciate what I can do rather than being negative and full of regret all the time.  It was on a wowcher deal, so didn't cost too much. There is a relaxation talk to listen to, to start, but I haven't had chance yet its never quiet enough for me to hear it.  I have made a start on the reading parts and note making.  For the first week I have to keep a bit of a diary of thoughts and behaviour and note any patterns, for yesterday I have

Trying to be positive today, even though normal life is being disrupted by builders. Normally I would be very stressed by it and annoyed with the intrusion, but it is work we want doing and have been waiting for so thinking more positively. the builders are very friendly and as unintrusive as possible. I even fell asleep on the sofa at my rest time, that never happens!! Upset by B complaining about the building. Worried that I haven't got done what I wanted to do, but i did have a busy day yesterday.

Weds 17th

Fell asleep in afternoon, felt guilty afterwards and then overdid it and didn't sleep at night. tried not to get wound up with builders in, yes it is a bit of a hassle, but its work we want doing. Got wound up with B complaining about builders and they weren't causing any problems and not in her way, she has to complain and make me feel guilty.

I do hope that I can keep up with it and get some benefit, or will it be another thing that sits waiting.

I hope I am doing it right, think I need to ask Rob to look at it with me to be sure I am hopeless at following written instructions.

I read this article blog it,s very good and I agree with what she says.  I want to print it out and comment on it, but my printer has run out of ink!

It's a busy start to my 45th year, but hoping that I will keep calm and listen to my body's needs a bit more, it's difficult when things are happening in the house and each day is unpredictable.  They say as you get older you get wiser too, I am not so sure about that, more stubborn more like.

In the last few weeks I have written a couple of Mr Men style books called Little Miss Brainfog and Little Miss Pardon.  Not sure what to do with them.  Rob is trying to create pictures to go with the text and they are not typed up only in my scrawly handwriting at present.  I would like to share them on my blog, but don't want someone else to steal them, its a dilemma.  I know I looked into self publishing when i wrote my little ME book, there are places where you can do it, but they have to be more than a set number of words and mine wasn't, something else that will get put on a back burner and forgotten about, I am hopeless at finishing things off, or get to stage where I need help and then nothing happens.  I also have too many ongoing things and never finish one thing before starting another and I have little time and energy available to me and time just seems to run away.