Pride and Prejudice Pt2

Well it's been a stressful weekend with awful events happening affecting people close to me and although I am not directly involved or affected it has been very distressing and makes me feel so helpless and annoyed with myself for complaining about my own issues which seem quite trivial in comparison.  It also makes me push myself to do more as I feel I have nothing to complain about.  I know I am not well and need to rest, but when I try I can't settle it's a bit of a nightmare really, but I just have to do what I can.

I feel guilty as I want to do something for myself, but because of all the things happening and priorities changing I am not able to.  It was quilting at the weekend and I really wanted to go, but there were no places, and as it happened I probably wouldn't have been up to it so I ended up stuck at home again.  Tomorrow night I was booked to do a bath bomb making class with Emily, I knew it would be difficult, but really wanted to do it, but just today it got cancelled.  It was a relief and a frustration as I know I won't get another chance at it.  Then I beat myself up for being selfish when other people are suffering much more.

We are still trying to get Emily's new room finished off, it is a struggle for me as it is up two flights of stairs I can only go up if I rest after one flight and have to limit how many times I do go up there.  It is all taking shape and we should be happy with what we have done and be proud of it, but I feel more embarrassed and don't want people to think we are showing off or spoiling Emily.  Most of the work has been done by other people so is not ours to be proud of except that we enabled it and paid for it of course (more embarrassment).  Now it's down to us to get things in place and the rest of the house back to normal.  I am ashamed that I can't get more done and that it is taking so long instead of being proud of the bits I do manage to get done or persuade Rob to get done, embarrassing nagging wife!

As many of you know I dabble in crafty projects, but never think my things are good enough or have any pride in what I make and it takes away the pleasure in what I do.  I also feel guilty for doing something I enjoy when there are important things to be done or other peoples needs to be met.  I don't want people to think I sit around having fun all day.  A lot of the time I struggle to do anything because of pain, dizziness and cognitive problems.  I started my blog to have a record of what I make, so I can see what I do achieve and also to make notes about where I got things from and how I made them and to share ideas, not to show off.  My makes are usually quite simple as I like simple things and they are easier for me to concentrate on anything complicated or fiddly fries my brain!  But then I see other people's makes or magazines and I think my stuff is so basic and too simple for anyone to like it, then I get put off and make less.

I feel like I have to swallow my pride so much as I have help in the house and need a lot of help from Rob for every day life to tick over.  It should be me who does those things, that is what Mum's do, don't they?

They say pride comes before a fall according to English club.com

 "Possible interpretation: If we are too proud about ourselves or something, we will probably meet with failure or disaster. When we are too self-important or conceited, something is sure to happen to make us look foolish.
Note: pride (noun) = an excessively high opinion of oneself or one's importance | A variation of this proverb is: "Pride goes before a fall."

Origin: This proverb is a contraction (some would say misquotation) from the Bible (Proverbs 16:18): "Pride goeth before destruction and an haughty spirit before a fall.""

What about those of us who are not self important or conceited, but yet still end up looking very foolish?  Then our pride (dignity) and self esteem is dented even more.  

“Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.”   ( Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam)  This word pride is very confusing.

You should take pride in your appearance and you're house etc, but too much is showing off, not enough and you are thought not to care.  Is there a right and wrong, how do we find the balance?  This seems to be a question that I come across in so many situations.  How do I do my best to create the right appearance and do the right thing without showing off, or appearing not to care or worrying or doing too much, too little etc, etc. whilst keeping within my limited energy.  I never wear make up and can't do my hair for myself, I wear comfy warm clothes and shoes from necessity not because I don't care.  I often hate the way I look or the state my house is in and other such things, but we can't always keep up appearances.  For those who are old enough to remember the programme I feel more like Daisy than Rose or Hyacinth!!

Pride and Prejudice Part 1

No, I am not on a trip to the library, but as usual trying to juggle everyday life and illness.

The book title kept popping into my head, I think because of the daily internal arguments over what I should be doing, could be doing, can do, can't do and what is best for me and other people all of which conflict making choices impossible.  There is no concrete right and wrong but for each choice there is a consequence for my health or my conscience.

I have just been looking at definitions of pride. How can one word mean so many things, many of which conflict?!  How can the same word mean "Consciousness of one’s own dignity." For example; he swallowed his pride and asked for help" or  "but, have you ever had anyone try to make a mockery of you, try to take away your dignity, your pride, your own self-worth?"  Whilst at the same time it can mean "The quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance: for example "The ancient Greeks had a word for it - hubris which means excessive pride, arrogance." or "I had committed the cardinal sin of pride and this was my punishment."  Quotes from Oxford dictionaries.

Often we say we have our pride meaning our dignity as we are ashamed of our needs and feel that people will be prejudiced against us.  Prejudice being; "Preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience": for example "Some prejudices (preconceived opinions of an individual based on opinions about the many) have names such as racism, sexism, or ageism." (Oxford Dictionaries)

Why for example am I sitting here typing a blog when I feel really ill and know it is not good for me? Partly because I hate not doing something and I am very limited at the moment to what I can do, but mainly because I don't want to be thought lazy!  Who is going to think I am lazy?  There is only my daughter here and she is happily playing on the computer and for once not making any demands on me.  There is the guilt that I have been at home all day when my daughter and husband have been at school, and work and working hard and my husband is not yet home from his 12 hour day and his train is running late, but he is probably sat doing nothing on the train or even asleep, except when he gets texts from me!  And I feel like I have to go and tidy up the kitchen following mine and Emily's tea which was of the throw in the oven variety because Rob wasn't here to cook and I can't expect him to clear up a mess he didn't make even though it has cost me dear to make the simple meal.

It's not the sort of puffed up pride that I think I am too good and can't let other people do things, it's the shame of what I can't do and the shame of asking for help the need to keep my dignity intact sort of pride.

There is a lot of prejudice against people with ME, they are considered lazy or making up the illness and afraid to try things.  So how are we lazy when the simplest of tasks can make us ill, but we are too ashamed to be seen as lazy or making it up so we try so hard only to be knocked back and made more ill.  We are trying to save our pride.  On the other hand if we accept our limitations and ask for help or claim to be disabled then we get the prejudiced view that we are not disabled or that somehow disabled people are lesser beings, so either way we can't win.

I am so ashamed when I take my daughter to and from school that I have to be allowed to park in the school car park instead of being proud of the fact that I do take her to school myself, but that's mainly because I am too proud to ask for help, confused? Yes me too!  Today took another blow to my pride and had to use my walking stick even for the short distance from car to classroom because I could hardly walk and was feeling really dizzy, but I only gave in after quite a long argument with myself thinking that people would think badly of me or think I was looking for attention or sympathy.  In reality people probably didn't even notice, but I felt ashamed and useless whilst I should have been proud of myself for my achievement or was I just too proud to ask for help when I needed it?

My other issue is my hearing loss and the fact that I have hearing aids.  I won't admit that I can't hear or explain to people that I need them to speak clearer or speak up, I just let myself look stupid or ignorant which is not very dignified and does little to save my pride and I end up avoiding situations or conversations which also makes me look ignorant.  I am sure that it would be much more dignified to admit the problem, but then people won't talk to me because I can't hear or they will treat me like I am stupid, again it's a no win situation for me.

Having a blue badge allows me a little bit of pride and dignity in that I can collect my own prescription or park near the entrance to a small shop or the library.  Then my pride is shattered by those who don't think I should have one as I can walk a little and I become ashamed of my need and my pride in doing something for myself is taken away and replaced by guilt.  Take my blue badge away and have lost my small amount of dignity and pride in the small tasks because I wouldn't be able to do then any more.  Being unable to do these things would make me ashamed and guilty as I would have to swallow my pride and ask for help and would get the prejudice label of being lazy.

Well I do need to swallow my pride now and admit that I feel really tired, sick, dizzy and in pain and accept that I need to sit and do nothing or go to bed.

Watch out for Pride and Prejudice Pt 2 and also Sense and Sensibility which are currently spinning around in my head waiting until I can get them down on my blog!

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