Useless.com

I spend a lot of time feeling totally useless, and guilty.  Last week was particularly bad after, trying to sort out my craft stuff and move it to be more accessible, but of course when I do anything like that I have to pay for it and have landed myself in bed a few times from trying, but it's getting there slowly and I can see better what I have got (far too much) and of course found lots of unfinished stuff and had lots of ideas for using things, but never the time or energy.  Also On Friday Emily and I tried to take part in Rivers Meet Give a Duck an outfit which is a group making outfits for Chemo duck, cuddly ducks given to children having chemotherapy.  I should have known it was beyond me, I needed to be able to sit in a noisy room, follow a pattern, sew, cut out and have Emily with me, I lasted about 15 mins!  Plus part of my sewing machine was missing so couldn't use it and had to buy a new bit!  I was so disappointed and was in floods of tears after looking really stupid, letting people down and setting a bad example to Emily.  I am not really sure why I thought I would be able to do it anyway, my sewing skills are very basic and I can't follow recipes or patterns, but I thought it was a nice idea and Emily wanted to join in. I was feeling so bad when we got back home, I had bought a scone to eat, (gluten free!), which I rarely do and I wasn't able to eat it before we left as Emily and I were so upset.  When we got home Rob asked if I wanted the scone, I replied why should I treat myself?  I allowed myself half of it a bit later on and the other half a day later.  I posted a Facebook status saying "so upset with myself today, I really hate this illness and its stupid effects on me and my family, feeling useless"

There is also a course I would love to do on Play Therapy as a qualified Playworker with some knowledge of play therapy it really appeals and is on an offer, but it is up 150 hours of work.  At best I would manage an hour a day when Emily is at school and some days even that wouldn't be possible and would mean I wouldn't be able to manage any craft and would take me the best part of a year.  Again I got really upset and felt so useless, other people study on top of full time work and family commitments. Gaining a qualification wouldn't be of any use anyway if I can't work and would just add to my other unused qualifications, that is assuming that I would be able to do it which I might not with finding reading and understanding very difficult.  I am still tempted just for the material without getting the qualification.

Yesterday Emily was upset with me as she wanted me to go and play a game outside with her, but I can't play physical games and it is too cold for me to be outside and just sitting.  I did manage to rescue the situation by letting her throw a ball inside and we had a game of catch with me sat down which seems to have pacified her for now, but doesn't always work.  My husband quite often refuses to play physical games with her too, he has the ability, but may not feel like it or want to when she asks, he doesn't feel guilty, but then I feel guilty because I can't do it and because he doesn't want to and because she doesn't have siblings or friends to play with and so on!

It feels like everything I can do or can't makes me feel useless or guilty in one way or another.  I am definitely guilty until proven innocent!

So true Charlie Brown

• star

Unsettled by Wind and Hospital Food Programme (no connection between the two!)

So much for wanting to rest, I am very unsettled and unable to rest. There are several reasons for this I am over tired and the weather which is very windy is very unsettling when things are blowing about all over the place and I am on my own in the house wondering if other people are ok.  We have lost the canopy outside the back door and our mini greenhouse tried to blow away even though it is screwed to the wall.  We usually lose roof tiles when its windy, not checked the roof yet.  Poor cat unsettled too he has just made a mad dash for outside whilst it is a bit calmer.  Got a text from school saying children had been kept in all day as debris blowing around playground, they will be more hyper than ever tonight! Emily has after school music so an extra hour confined to school.

Daft as it may seem I cannot stop thinking about James Martin's hospital food programme.  I know the food is bad, but it is such a battle to get things changed and get money spent on it.  Food is a basic human need, how can people be fed on such a small amount (less than £2 per meal).  I cannot believe that the stuff they pass off as food has been approved by dieticians and medical staff, I wouldn't feed it to a dog!  Having worked in hospitals before I became ill patient care is something close to my heart.  Also having had many relatives in hospital and seeing how they are fed or not fed as the case may be is heart breaking.  When you are ill, in hospital or anywhere else you need healthy and appetising food to want to eat it and to aid recovery.  I have many food intolerances and cannot imagine that I would find anything suitable on a hospital menu and I am sure that it would be practically impossible to get a special menu to order from even though they are supposed to exist.  Mass catering in any environment is difficult, but surely not impossible.  Other issues than the quality of the food is the transportation and long periods sitting around so food is cold and congealed so even less appetising and the fact that a huge number of patients are not able to feed themselves and the staff either have not got the time or the inclination to feed people so they go hungry and thirsty too.  It really, really upsets me.  It seems to me that health care is now all about amazing treatments and fancy equipment and basic care is ignored.  It makes being ill so frustrating too as I want to be out there helping people, I know I couldn't make a huge impact, but I feel so useless.

I have just found the soup recipes that have been used in the series they sound lovely and easy to make

Parsnip and Rosemary, Roast veg, Cauliflower and Apple, Butternut Squash and Lime.

It is great that James Martin is trying to tackle the issue, but not surprisingly many hospitals told him to go away, how mad is that. Apparently there is a new series starting in January, its good to know that he is still plugging away despite the lack of interest. good on you James.

Well on a slightly different tack now how cute are these

Pattern link

Just perfect for all those Chef's!