Back to school!

Last week I signed up for a free course with Future Learn its a course about Play run by University of Sheffield. Exploring Play; the importance of play in everyday life appealed to me as a Playworker and a parent and it is free!  I have no idea if I will be able to do the work, it says 3 hours per week for 7 weeks, so that only 1/2 an hour a day and a day off!  It starts at the end of September so gives me a bit of time to recover from the current issues and the summer holidays.  If nothing else it should be interesting and may give me some inspiration for things to do with Emily.

I have not seen the organisation before and there are a few interesting sounding courses of varying lengths and starting all through the year.  Others that sound interesting to me are Science of Medicines, Inside Cancer, Psychology and Mental health, Heart health

Memories

The song in my head this morning is Memory from cats, it was a favourite of my Mama's and the wrords are quite poignant

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember
The time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every street lamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters at the street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look a new day has begun

We are all left with many memories of Mama, she loved us all and shared our growing up.  Many memories of staying with her and Papa, days out (especially to the seaside), her cooking for us and knitting for us or singing songs to us, think the one I remember most is How Much is that Doggy in the Window.  She used to tell stories about things I did as small children, think the one she told most was either me telling the vicar to be quiet when he started his sermon, or me using her gloves to mop up spilt coffee at my Auntie's wedding.  I am sure many more memories will come along and make us smile in these difficult times.

Mama is now on her way to join her much loved husband, I am sure she will find him asleep in a chair and will go up and nudge him saying "stop snoring Frank!"  She will be with her mother Jane, who she missed every day since she died 57 years ago and my cousin Simon who was sadly taken from us in an accident at 37.  I am hoping too that she will look out for my three babies who did not make it, I know they did not make it much past conception, but they feel like babies to me. Its times like this when I wish I could have more IVF and have a child for them to live on in, but I am too old and the chances of success are very slim and along with the cost and trauma, but it does not stop the wishes.

As ever I am so grateful to my husband and daughter who are getting me through this one day at a time and to dear friend Pat who always seems to know what we need and is good at listening, bless you all.

For my last crafty creation for Mama I want to stitch a card, which can then be copied and used on the service sheet and Mama can take the card with her to her final resting place.  I was going to do a rainbow design http://www.stitchingcards.com/product.php/641/rainbow but am now thinking about butterflies too, so not  sure what we will go for as other people need to be involved in decision.  I just hope that I will be able to see through the tears to stitch it.

Rob has been looking through photos to use for a service sheet.  I love this one from Emily's 1st birthday

So sad

I cannot type a lot at the moment as I am struggling physically and emotionally due to the death of my beloved grandma on Monday.  She died peacefully on Monday evening with my brother and his Wife and my Auntie and Uncle with her.  I had left to put Emily to bed, I know my Grandma would have wanted me to do this and I had been with her most of the afternoon and she knew we had all been to see her.  She was 94 so we have to let her go, although it is so sad.  As Emily says she has gone to be with Papa (my grandad) and Simon (my cousin) so she will be happy now, bless you Emily.

My Grandma, or Mama as we called her, was happy to have got to know her great grandchildren, Emily 7 and Benjamin 10 and she thought the world of them.

I have lost my last grandparent now, I was very lucky to have them all through my childhood and to get to nearly 43 before losing the last.

I spent a lot of time with Mama when I was a child and before I moved away.  She is were I get my creativeness from, she taught me to knit and always wanted to know what I was making.  I gave her the first quilt that I made

Mama always knitted, even in recent years when she could not see.  She knitted for all her grandchildren and great grandchildren and we all had granny square crocheted blankets.  It is only recently that I have had to learn to finished off my own knitting, because I always gave it to Mama as she could do it better.  I still have a long way to go to be as neat as she was.

I do feel sad that I did not see as much of her in recent years and was not able to be there for her due to my own health problems and looking after Emily, but I think she understood this.  The last thing she asked me to do was comb her hair, she hated her hair to be a mess.

Bless you Mama. Rest in Peace, we will all miss you so much.

Mama with Emily aged 2 weeks.

Mama with Emily and Isla, celebrating Emily's 6th Birthday.

Mama on my mobility scooter she thought it was great!!

Events- Updated

I keep seeing information about events and things I would like to attend, these are just a few of them.  I have no idea if I will get to do them.

But at least I have them here for reference if I have the time and energy to do some of them.

I am hoping to be able to go to the Birthday Bash at Our Handmade Collective, Grand Arcade Leeds.  Its a great little shop and we have followed their progress in their first year.  It is on June 14th and 15th.  We have Cat in the Hat theatre tickets for 14th and the 15th is Father's day and a cycling event in Leeds (meaning roads are closed and it will be busy), so attending is going to be tricky.  Then the 16th is my birthday and wedding anniversary, I don't want to be too worn out for that and to go out for lunch with my husband.

On my birthday we had planned to go to Quilting Museum in York, but have decided that it will be too much.  I am very disappointed as I have put a lot of energy into organising and attending things for other people's birthdays, but then can't do what I want for my own.  With having the busy weekend before and having things I need to be able to do later in the week its not possible to do what I want.  Treats get sacrificed when you have ME :(  Yesterday I got an email about an exhibition they have on at the moment which I am really interested in seeing about Period Quilts and Costume.  The exhibition runs until August 30th, but with demands of end of school term and then school holidays and Rob having a full time job its unlikely I will get to see it and its not really something we can take Emily too if I want to get a good look.  I find taking in the information quite hard anyway without having to take into account what Emily wants at the same time and I think she would be bored or want to look at different things to me.

Next is the Grand Summer Fair at Rivers Meet on July 20th.  We try to attend most of the events at Rivers as we know many of the people with stalls and its handy for picking up birthday presents and chatting with all the friendly people, not to mention there is a good cafe that has Gluten free products.  There is a fair this weekend too, the Spring into Summer on June 8th, but we can't go due to a family commitment.

Tomorrow are two events locally that we hope to attend, but the way I am feeling at the moment I think something will have to give, there is Rothwell Baptist Church 90th Birthday

and Emily's School Fair 

fingers crossed for the weather as this one is outside.

I would love to attend Yarndale which I keep seeing information for 

but events like this are very overwhelming and not very wheelchair friendly and it clashes with a family birthday, so it's probably not possible.

I have really got to go and rest now, but will update this page with other events that I would like to attend, even though most of liking to attend is as far as it goes.

Update

Another local event is the Tiggypig Beads Closing Down Sale at Rivers Meet on June 28th.  Tiggypig used to sell beads in Rivers Meet, but left for another job, but still sold online.  Now she is selling off all her stock, and it says bargains to be had, who can resist a bargain!  Rachel the Tiggypig owner taught me how to make the necklace I use for my heading picture 

I have bought many beads from her in the past and although I have not made anything beaded recently the ideas are always lurking.  So now I have to decide if I go and find some bargains or stick with what I have and save money and energy, hmmmmmmm.

Overwhelmed

This was written one night last week when I was unable to sleep and typed up by Rob and me.

Overwhelmed 

There are several definitions depending on context:

1.       Bury or drown beneath something, especially water

2.       A strong emotional effect e.g. overcome with, dumbfounded, disturbed, dazed

3.       Defeat completely – trounced, beaten, overpowered

Even though these are referring to different things I feel then all, like I’m buried or drowning in things, also the emotional effect; overcome, disturbed, dazed etc.; the defeat; feeling beaten, overpowered.

Everything around me seems so overwhelming, be it daily routine, things to do, ideas, thoughts, noise, coming and goings, Emily’s demands and constant chatter, possessions, decisions. It all feels too much – drowning, overcome, beaten – day in day out.

Even in a quiet time, there is constant noise in my ears (tinnitus), constant chatter in my head (thoughts, ideas, regrets, decisions), constant sensations (pain, tingling, numbness) – it’s like a constant assault on my body and senses and that’s when nothing else is happening, which is rare.

I have so many want, needs, regrets, ideas and they are all jumbled together. I wish there was an on/off switch sometimes or even just a pause. For example, just taking this moment in time – it’s 11:30pm and all is quiet and calm. But I have an awful noise in my ears, tingling in my feet and legs, pain in my back, need to wee every few minutes, main in my chest, tingling in my face and hands, and a strange sensation in my throat. I’m tired but unsettled, conflicted by knowing I need to sleep and also trying too hard. But then I feel  I should try something else, but I know I need to be up and functioning in the morning; no chance to have a lie in, feeling dizzy and like I am moving even though I am still.

Moving on from this, there is all the stuff in my mind. Emily’s behaviour: what can I do to make things better; it’s my fault – she has needs I can’t meet; I should be able to control her; why does she do it; I need to do things differently; she must be unhappy about things; I can’t relate to her; she is better off without me; is she normal; it’s too difficult; why does she treat me this way; does she hate me; she is punishing me; I should be able to do what she wants me to do; why can’t I work it out; I hate been a mum; why it’s my fault for wanting a child; I can’t cope; I want to run away; I want to curl up; I want to do better; what does she want; what does she need; what am I doing wrong? And it goes on, and on, and on…

Then there is remembering things to do;

cards, quilting, knitting, beading, sorting out, writing, reading, website.

I have many ideas for projects.  What I don't have is time and energy and things drag on and on or never get finished.

The house is chock full of craft supplies, books, toys, games and so many odds and ends, we can never find things because there is so much to hunt through.  Sorting stuff out and cleaning out is so overwhelming, time consuming, full of decisions and regrets and can't be fitted in around daily life and daily life doesn't stop whilst you tackle something else.

There are always so many decisions to make- what to do today, how to keep people happy, priorities, best use of time and energy, what to eat, what to wear, what to say, then there isn't the time to do any of it or the decision is wrong ad has to be dealt with or things change and a whole new set of decisions need to be made and so it goes on. No wonder I am exhausted before I even do anything.

I am overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, sadness, frustrations, anger, distress, anxiety, regret, fear, shame, disgust, jealousy, anguish, guilt, worry, disappointment, restlessness, conflict, fatigue, pain and despair.

There is no room for happiness, pleasure, love, satisfaction, affection, tolerance, sleep, peace and calm.

ME

I saw this the other day which about sums me up

An also saw a link to information about what things are effective rest and which aren't, it looked very interesting and thought provoking, but guess what can't find it now :(

Project Linus

Just a quick link for this site Project Linus

"a volunteer organisation. We aim to provide a sense of security and comfort to sick and traumatised babies, children and teenagers through the provision of new home made patchwork quilts and knitted/crocheted blankets, and give volunteers across to UK the opportunity to contribute to their local community."

I think its a lovely idea.  Wish I was quicker at making things.

I know there are other organisations who do similar things like Children in Distress who do similar for children in Eastern Europe 

"The Charity is dedicated to helping suffering children in the Balkans and Eastern Europe.  We work with the sick, the incurably and terminally ill, those with HIV AIDS or Autistic Spectrum Disorders, the physically handicapped and those who face a daily challenge for life as result of accident, infection, genetic or birth defects, those who daily race discrimination or religious persecution , the socially excluded, the desperate and disadvantaged children and families, the poorest of the poor."

CID have a yarn shop  too "

You can buy all types of yarn and crochet cotton etc at bargain prices (look under the heading 'Bargains' for the best buys).  There is a 'Garage Sale' once a week - keep an eye out for it, yarn can be bought as cheap as 23p per ball!

I hope you enjoy looking through the different yarns and I would welcome your feedback on it.  The yarns are shipped to you directly from Turkey (if you buy as a group, please don't be put off by the shipping costs - just add the shipping costs to your purchases and you will see that even with shipping you have still got a bargain and helped Children in Distress whilst buying it!)"

If anyone knows of other organisations I would be interested.